I’m no slave to English grammar. I have used “yous” on occasion. And I think “y’all” is a perfectly good substitute for the plural of ‘you’ when it comes out of the mouth of someone with a Southern accent.
And I bet I’ve even written a sentence or two — or a hundred — over the years that made absolutely no sense. A nonsense-tence, you might call it, if I’m permitted to continue to butcher my native — and only — language.
Now I’m going to talk about Burger King.
I know, you might think this is an abrupt change in topic. But it’s not. In fact, while the fast-food company did technically put three perfectly good English words together in coming up with its new motto, I’d still like to know what “Be Your Way” has to do with selling cooked meat.
In fact, I’d like to know what “Be Your Way” has to do with anything. I’d be happy to just understand what it means, unless — of course — it’s some sort of encrypted gang-uage that nobody is supposed to talk about.
Someone at Burger King did try to explain “Be Your Way” to the Associated Press, saying it was intended to remind people that “they can live how they want anytime. It’s okay not to be perfect.”
“Self-expression is most important and it’s our differences that make us individuals instead of robots,” the Burger King official translator continued. I don’t know if he smirked while explaining because I wasn’t there.
Now, I’d like to express myself: pppppphhhhhhllllllbbbbbb. I might have left out a letter or two, but that’s what they call a razzberry.
Also a Bronx cheer, although I don’t know why it’s borough-specific because we did something similar when I was growing up in Brooklyn that was accompanied by a finger gesture.
(Be warned: Don’t razzberry when you have a Whopper in your mouth.)
I can stand getting a philosophy lesson from Sinatra and Anka. And I’ve done it “My Way” a lot over the years because that makes perfect sense.
But I’m not sure how to “Be Your (or My) Way,” especially when I’m standing in line waiting for my shake to be shaken and my burger to be charbroiled.
Burger King used to have a perfectly good slogan: “Have It Your Way.” Let me take that back: It was better than good. It was great.
“Hold the pickle, hold the lettuce, special orders don’t upset us. All we ask is that you let us serve it your way,” was how the old jingle went.
Toe tapping, no? We used to slow dance to that while our orders were being prepared. Anybody who started getting serious about clogging his or her arteries with animal fat during the ’70s knows that jingle. It’s the commercial equivalent of “Bye, bye, Miss American Pie.”
You knew exactly what it meant by “Have It Your Way.” You’d say, “No tomato, extra onions and please wear a hair net when you are plopping that beef on the bun.” That was a lot of people’s way.
“Be Your Way” might work at Bible camp. And I’ve preached this sort of philosophy to my kids many times, although more eloquently. Do what you want to do. It’s your life. We’ve got bail ready if you need it.
“Be Your Way” is what they call in plain English a non sequitur. “Be Your Way” just doesn’t fit the meat-eating experience. (Okay, I know the phrase “non-sequitur” is Latin. I just gave you time to catch me in a mistake and feel superior.)
What’s the “Be Your Way” jingle going to be?
“Come in smiling if you want to. Come in mad if you have to. All we want to say is . . . Be Your Way.”
Nah! It just doesn’t work.
As a practical matter, what if Your Way is to be naked when you dine? What if Your Way is to refuse to pay? What if — and this is more hypothetical than a suggestion — Your Way is to eat a Big Mac purchased at that other chain inside a Burger King restaurant?
What if Your Way is — and again this is not a recommendation — to eat a salad?
I’m sure there is an explanation for the Be Your Way ad campaign. But all I can come up with off the top of my head is that they must serve hard liquor during the day at BK’s corporate offices.
Now there’s an idea. Maybe if I had a drink this’ll all make sense.
We learned (again) Wednesday that the Federal Reserve may or may not tighten monetary policy sooner or later depending on whether the economy does or doesn’t do better.
All I can say to Fed chief Janet Yellen is “Be Your Way.”
The Justice Department indicted five Chinese military officers of cyberspying on US companies.
The Chinese apparently learned through devious means that Burger King was launching the Be Your Way campaign. And that country was only Being Its Way by snooping.
Since I’ve dragged this theme out long enough, let me finish by making one serious observation. (Sorry, I don’t get paid extra for writing nonsense.)
We spy, too. So we’d better go easy on the criticism of the Chinese since that country does own trillions in US government bonds and could make our lives miserable.