Warning: Spoilers ahead
You can’t be a fan of “24” without knowing that Jack Bauer’s heart was made to be broken. Ever since Day 1 — when his former lover and CTU ally Nina Myers spat out something in Russian before killing his wife, Teri — we knew Jack (Kiefer Sutherland) was destined to save the world while losing just about everyone he loves in the process.
But even by those standards, Monday night’s last episode of “24: Live Another Day” was a downer of wrist-slitting proportions.
(Spoiler alert: Read no further if you’ve yet to see it, or the 11 episodes that came before.)
In a nutshell, here’s what we saw: Despite the best efforts of crackerjack CIA agent Kate Morgan (Yvonne Strahovski), a sniper kills Audrey (Kim Raver), the president’s daughter — and the woman Jack loves. A devastated Kate hangs up her badge, but not before a teary phone call to Jack, who seems to contemplate shooting himself before getting it together and capturing terrorist Cheng Zhi (Tzi Ma) just in time to prevent nuclear war.
Meanwhile, poor President Heller (William Devane), who’s been popping pills all season to keep his Alzheimer’s in check, accompanies Audrey’s flag-draped coffin out of London and onto Air Force One. As British Prime Minister Alastair Davies (Stephen Fry) offers his condolences, Heller tells him that it’s no matter: In time, he’ll forget he even had a daughter.
And Jack? He’s barely lopped off Cheng’s head when he learns Chloe O’Brian (Mary Lynn Rajskub) — his only friend — has been kidnapped. To free her for yet another sequel, he trades himself, boarding a helicopter bound for Moscow, where they’ll presumably waterboard, shock or beat him for something he did to the Russians several seasons back.
The End.
So yes, there we have it: death, decapitation, senility and the prospect of more torture. Wouldn’t it be nice if we were left with something a little more upbeat? Here are four more lighthearted scenarios.
Audrey survives!
Thanks to some quickie maneuvering from Kate, a bullet barely grazes her. Rushed back to her father, she learns just what a weasel her husband, Mark Boudreau (Tate Donovan), really is. To think — he planned to hand Jack over to the Russians on a platter!
“You bastard!” she says, slapping him hard against the face. “You jealous bastard!” With a quick knee to his groin, she brings him to his knees. “Take him away!” the president demands.
Dispatch him with a song.
Granted, one of the only uplifting moments in this finale was watching Jack take a sword to his archenemy’s neck, flinging it off so it rolled away like a soccer ball. But why not have a little fun with this?
Surely, an evil genius like Cheng has some back story. Perhaps, like Kim Jong Il in “Team America: World Police,” he’s just . . . lonely.
Give him a taste of our own medicine.
Britain’s self-righteous Prime Minister was horrified to learn that America’s president was on medication for Alzheimer’s. Well, what if the meds worked? Ol’ Alastair’s no spring chicken, either.
Perhaps, while congratulating Heller on averting World War III, the PM pauses, his great brow furrowed. “And do thank…James? Jock? That man of yours in the field.” Heller beams and pulls out his pills. “Jack — Jack Bauer, Alastair,” he says. “Here, take some of these. Maybe they’ll help.”
Rendezvous in Moscow.
Well . . . who knows? That was some luxury helicopter Jack crawled into — hardly your usual prisoner conveyance chopper. This one looked as if it even had a bar in it! Perhaps the Russians realize they can’t beat the information they seek from Jack, so they need a different strategy: pillow talk.
When Jack arrives in the USSR, a bevy of beauties surrounds him, James Bond-style. It’s only a matter of time — and prodigious amounts of lovemaking — before he cracks.
In which case, the next season will air on HBO.