Independence Day is a time to draw together as a nation, put aside our differences, and celebrate what we have in common: We’re all hyphenated Americans! This holiday weekend at the movies, don’t go to the multiplex without consulting The Post’s handy guide to which movie is most likely to click with your particular subgroup.
Frat-boy American:
Raise a can of Natty Light with your bros to the fourth installment of the “Transformers” franchise. “Age of Extinction” has all the stuff bros love (explosions, an interchangeable blond chick in short-shorts who’s slightly blonder than that blond chick in the last movie, and more explosions), and none of the stuff you hate (dialogue, logic). Bro Mark Wahlberg is in this, but the star here is the CG robot fights, which take up approximately 99 percent of the film’s 165-minute run time.
Vertically challenged American:
It’s no mystery why it took Kevin Hart so long to make his name in Hollywood: For years, no one could find him. Finally, someone remembered to look in the breadbox, and there he was. In reality, Hart is about the size of a bunny rabbit, but state-of-the-art, reverse-“Lord of the Rings”-style special effects technology magnified his proportions, to a degree. It turns out all the effects in the world couldn’t make him appear larger than 5 feet 2. Still, he’s become a box office giant in comedies like “Think Like a Man Too.”
Reptilian American:
OK, he’s an illegal immigrant, he’s radioactive and when he’s cranky, he destroys American infrastructure, but hey, “Godzilla” is also a great example of how foreign arrivals love to fight for the red, white and blue once they get used to our way of life. And if he helps destroy San Francisco in the process, no great loss (for conservative Americans).
Generously proportioned American:
He thinned down a couple of years ago, but these days it appears Jonah Hill is back to his original Pillsbury Doughboy physique in “22 Jump Street.” Sometimes you just have to put the career first: This movie wouldn’t really work if he were as fit as Channing Tatum.
Rage-issue American:
She’s actually from some EuroDisney-style fairy princess kingdom, not America, but “Maleficent” was obviously inspired by a pair of well-known Americans. First, she’s a woman who gets tricked, spurned and humiliated by local royalty (much like Jennifer Aniston). And second, she has such a supernaturally bad temper that she obviously owes a debt to apoplectic Americans. Such as Alec Baldwin.
Elderly American:
Octogenarian Clint Eastwood’s latest film, “Jersey Boys,” gets rolling in the quaint early 1960s, when doo-wop groups like the Four Seasons wore identical slick suits and moved in unison while they promoted vinyl discs called “records” on “The Ed Sullivan Show.” Of course the whole world went to hell immediately after, mainly because gentlemen became “guys” and started going out in public without hats.
Temporally liberated American:
Some of the cast of “X-Men: Days of Future Past” are Americans, some are not, but they all have something important in common: They’re time travelers who come to the United States in 1973 to save us all from plaid pants, Richard Nixon and the Carpenters. It’s not their fault they failed.
Feminist American:
“Obvious Child,” the comedy in which Brooklyn’s Jenny Slate plays a Brooklyn comic who does wince-inducing comedy routines about her gross underpants, stalks her ex and spends an entire scene inexplicably squatting inside a cardboard box like a toddler, has feminists really excited, for some reason. Oh, she has an abortion. That must be it.
Military American:
Blasting away at invading alien hordes with a kind of weaponized exoskeleton, Emily Blunt is the super-soldier of the future who holds the key to saving the planet in “Edge of Tomorrow.” All she needs is a little intel help from the cowardly p.r. guy (Tom Cruise) who gets roped into serving beside her and finds himself getting killed over and over while reliving the same day over and over. Military recruitment offices will be using this film as a propaganda video as soon as they can figure out this whole rebooting-life thing.