A couple of months ago, Scott Muska decided it was high time to wholeheartedly throw himself into the dating scene. He hadn’t dated seriously much before then — he was a self-proclaimed “hookup guy” — so the 26-year-old went on a couple dates to get his feet wet. Once he felt comfortable, he established some ground rules to make the process as efficient as possible:
- Go on at least two OkCupid dates per week.
- Do more laundry to have clean collared shirts for said dates.
- If you get rejected during one of the dates, message a new girl that day to get the ball rolling again — ASAP.
- Buy more cool patterned Vans to “stick out from the other dudes wearing Oxfords.”
Sound a little like a to-do list on, say, your Outlook calendar? Muska, a freelance writer from Bushwick, is just one of many serial daters who are spending more time on the prowl these days, essentially treating dating like a second job.
Shirley, a production assistant from Midtown East who didn’t want to share her last name for privacy reasons, says that when she first moved to New York a year and a half ago, she forced herself to go on a date every Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday night each week — Thursdays and Fridays were reserved for hanging with friends — in addition to maintaining five to seven e-mail exchanges with other potential partners! “It was a numbers game to me,” explains the 31-year-old. “I figured that if I went out with enough people, one of them was bound to go well.”
Experts say it’s that numbers game which is at the heart of the rise of the serial dater. “Between the countless dating sites, people have more options than ever to meet someone,” explains Marni Battista, a Los-Angeles based dating and relationship coach. “And since New Yorkers are such go-getters, they’re going on more dates with more people to explore all of their options — because they don’t want to miss out on any opportunities.”
But isn’t the point of dating to — dare we say it — have fun? Emily Morse, a sex and dating relationship expert and host of the Sex With Emily podcast, thinks so — which is why she cautions against the trend to some degree. “Going on more dates will help you pinpoint traits that you want in a potential partner more easily,” she says. “But it can make you more picky since you’re comparing your date to others — meaning you could end up passing over a really good match. Plus, it can leave you feeling down, because the rejection rate is higher.”
So what’s the best strategy, then? Don’t assume more is better. That’s how Jen, a 30-year-old West Village resident who didn’t want to reveal her last name for privacy reasons, eventually found her boyfriend. “When I first joined match.com, I made myself go on four dates a week because I really wanted to meet someone,” says the consumer insights director. “But then, I realized I wasn’t even enjoying them, because I felt so frazzled from going on so many — it was taking over my life! I decided to scale back and not take it as seriously, which is when I met my now-boyfriend.”
Shirley also says she’s going to stop treating dating like a job. “I found that I was just comparing everyone to everyone else . . . and I ultimately ended up feeling lost,” she says. “My new plan is to go back to dating the normal way, and just take things as they come and see what happens.”