At a tender interlude in “Blended,” an adorable motherless little girl asks a sweet lady to rub her head while she goes to sleep, “so I have good dreams.” The moment shatters with the sound of Adam Sandler’s character peeing outside the door.
If “Funny People” is any indication, Sandler hates himself, and in “Blended” he invites us to join him. Invitation accepted: In an early scene, widower Jim (Sandler), a father of three girls, has a blind date with a divorcee named Lauren (Drew Barrymore), who’s raising two boys. He drinks her beer, looks at the TV when she’s talking and insults her job — and yet in the movie we will discover that she’s the one who needs to learn (not to dress like a prairie schoolmarm and not to be so uptight).
Also we’re supposed to think that despite his naming one daughter Espn (after ESPN) and dressing his girls in a way that could charitably be described as “sporty Amish,” Jim’s actually sensitive: Because his dead wife used to work at that very same Hooters. Aww, man. Hand me a tissue, I’ve got something in my eye.
Jim and Lauren both wind up in Africa for the following reason: Her best friend is going there with her boyfriend, except the friend bails at the last minute when she finds out her beau has five kids, and they’re coming, too. Oh, and her boyfriend is Jim’s boss. Simultaneously, but without either knowing the other’s intentions, Jim and Lauren each buy half the vacation from the couple who won’t be needing it.
Happens all the time. Imagine the pitch meeting: It’s “The Brady Bunch,” only in Africa! Why Africa? Because we want to have a scene where an African driver is so dumb, he runs out of gas while Drew Barrymore is parasailing behind him and a rhino is on the loose right under her!
Barrymore is still cute, and she and Sandler at least seem to like each other as they get on with the grim business of rom-com contrivance: Hey, they drive identical white minivans! They take their coffee the same way, too. These two are made for each other. All they need is for Jim to hire a band of monkeys to play “Careless Whisper.”
While he was at it, Sandler should have hired them to punch up the script.