“Oh my gawd! There’s a giant ape clinging to the top of the Empire State Building!”
“Oh, him? That’s King Kong. He’s there most weekday afternoons, except in the summer. He just beats his chest and yells insults at people below him. He also swats at airplanes. Never hits a thing. We’re used to him.”
At this stage it would be easy to ignore Mike Francesa, if not for the fact it takes no more than a brief stop at his show — once or twice a week while at a red light — to hear incredible claims and boasts that aren’t easily overlooked.
If you didn’t know that he always is colossally wrong, you would think he always is right, which still wouldn’t explain his colossal immodesty, arrogance and megalomania. He’s a bully, too. Cuts off and trashes the “little people” in his audience — especially before they can refute his positions with knowledge and sense.
I know, by now, I’m supposed to be used to it. But I’m not bad, just weak. … Thursday a caller suggested the Mets bat Daniel Murphy leadoff.
The caller apparently didn’t know Francesa is an expert on Murphy. Early in Murphy’s career, Francesa authoritatively dismissed him as hopeless to succeed in the majors.
Not that Francesa ever would revisit his claims, but in Murphy’s five years in the bigs, he has hit .291 with 169 doubles, 300 RBIs.
Anyway, Francesa jumped all over that caller, belittling him with the claim that under no circumstances would Murphy ever lead off.
Soon, WFAN’s Mets’ reporter Ed Coleman reported Murphy would lead off that night.
Tuesday, a caller mentioned Derek Fisher’s Knicks contract, widely reported to be about $25 million over five years. Francesa angrily jumped him, screaming that people throw numbers around without knowing what they’re talking about.
As proof of his claim, he offered this: No one ever has correctly reported how much he, Mike Francesa, makes!
Even if it mattered, I do know that years ago it was difficult to know personal truths about Francesa given that he would leak self-serving info about himself to a columnist, who then wrote it, only to have Francesa deny it on the air.
That columnist told Francesa never again to mess with him that way, but Francesa continued. That was the end of a relationship that was based in one-way good faith.
Anyway, Tuesday, as he insisted no one knows the terms of Fisher’s deal, the FOX Sports Network crawl that repeatedly appeared along the bottom of the TV version of his show reported Fisher will be paid $25 million over five.
As for those Francesa excoriated for reckless use numbers, well, he recently mocked reports the Clippers would sell for $2 billion, authoritatively claiming that they wouldn’t bring half that much. Well, the number now stands at $2 billion.
Many recall scores of other authoritative bad-guess number claims made by Francesa, including, one of my favorites — the average home on Long Island is 3,200-3,500 square feet.
To no one’s surprise, Francesa’s expert touts throughout the NBA playoffs have been both authoritative, and consistently and colossally wrong. No one has a greater gift to turn home favorites into outright losers, thus the Heat, despite Francesa’s claim they easily would win both home games in the Finals, last week lost both to the Spurs by a colossal total of 40 points.
Horse racing is at the top of Francesa’s all-knowing list, thus he was able to pick the winner of last week’s Belmont, Tonalist, by declaring as a turf horse, Tonalist had no business being entered on dirt, thus no shot to win.
Those callers who tried to tell him there might be a good reason that Tonalist was entered — and at 8-1, it was the third choice among 11 — never got a chance. He cut them off.
But immodesty permitted him to tell us he was a king among VIPs at the Belmont, and was able to beat the crowd out thanks to his personal driver. Hey, it wasn’t as if he had to stick around to cash any tickets.
(Incidentally, I wronged Francesa here three weeks ago, for barking at a caller who touted Danza in the Belmont. I thought Danza was a “go,” too. Danza, as Francesa correctly, albeit intemperately claimed, would not enter.)
Open commentary makes it rough to watch
US Open: If one were to speak golf in a useful way, one would say Jordan Spieth finished the first round “1-under.” But fool-cool has replaced such talk, thus we’re told that Spieth “finished in red numbers.”
Friday, ESPN’s Scott Van Pelt couldn’t tell us that Bubba Watson is 7-over, he was, “Seven, but on the wrong side of the number.” That number being what, even?
Speaking of Watson, here’s the question no one on TV asked aloud: If he wasn’t “into it” — as was both self-evident and noted from the start — why did he waste an alternate’s spot?
How could Ken Duke’s par on Friday not make every highlights package? His approach to a par 3 settled in a thick, green-side cluster of grassy straw. So Duke, a righty, left-hand putted it into the nearby bunker — then holed out!
By now, most viewers know when they’re being had, when what’s being shown as what NBC used to call “ostensibly live” must be on tape.
One of roughly 20 examples: Friday on ESPN/NBC, we suddenly saw Roberto Castro, 4-over and about to hit his approach, ostensibly live, to his first hole. We knew he either would hole it or stiff it. He left it an inch.
Why play games? As a matter of good faith, let us know what we already suspect. Tell us it was on tape or even “moments ago.”
Next year, with FOX owning U.S. Open rights, it plans to recruit Chris “You Tuned to the Open to Hear Me” Berman from ESPN, via lend-lease. Kidding, just kidding.
There’s a classy, respectful way to sing/play our national anthem at sports events. Everything else is something less.
There’s a classy, respectful way to observe the anthem when at a game. Everything else is something less.
And only populist radio yahoos would tell you it’s a “depends” thing, or that compromised public conduct isn’t emulated then carried by kids and delivered to their kids.
You can cheer your lungs out and wave towels immediately after the anthem. Don’t go down on the cheap.