“Guardians of the Galaxy” brings to mind some of the most unforgettable sci-fi event movies of the last 30 years. Alas, those films are “Howard the Duck” and “Green Lantern.”
Chris Pratt stars as an interstellar frat-boy Indiana Jones, out to steal and sell a precious orb that looks like a wire Christmas ornament from Pier 1 Imports. He teams up with a lady warrior (Zoe Saldana, this time in greenface) who is double-crossing her villainous boss; a wisecracking, Joisey-accented bounty-hunter raccoon (Bradley Cooper, stealing work from Gilbert Gottfried); a large killer plant who says only “I am Groot” (though Vin Diesel is the one they hired to say this); and Drax (Dave Bautista), a block of muscle and tats.
Our hero, scruff-faced earthling Peter (Pratt), speaks in the kind of slang that passes for wit down at Delta Psi — just keep saying “dude,” “chill” or “bro,” it’ll be hilarious. Drax issues dumb-guy chatter that’s meant to bring relief to low-IQ audience members. He doesn’t get metaphors, see? “Nothing goes over my head. My reflexes are too fast.” Hey, Drax, Joey Tribbiani thinks your shtick is old.
As the gang of outlaws whizzes around the universe, villains as fragile as Pringles line up to be obediently killed, amid dialogue that’s a jarring mix of fusty Conan-the-Barbarian-isms (“Spare me your foul gaze, woman”) and bro talk (“They got my d - - k message!”). For background filler there are tunes from Peter’s beloved ’70s pop mixtape. Out: John Williams. In: “The Piña Colada Song.”
The movie isn’t a full-on spoof, like “A Million Ways To Die in Space.”
Instead, we’re actually supposed to get pumped up by the chaotic action, the dazzlingly detailed special effects and the mortal combat with blue-faced villains with bits of circuit board or seaweed stuck to their faces. The comedy is meant to deflate tension that isn’t there in the first place. Writer-director James Gunn keeps pulling the rug out without first bothering to trick anyone into standing on it.
It all goes by as slowly as an IRS audit because there’s no suspense: We learn at the outset that the screenwriters will, when stuck, simply dream up some new problem-solving gadget or superpower and give it, unexplained, to whomever needs it. Floating in space for a few seconds will kill you, unless it doesn’t.
Grasping an all-powerful golf ball of energy will destroy you, except it won’t. A large weapon will suddenly be tossed to the paws of the raccoon, or the walking tree will form a magical bird’s nest of love around the whole crew to protect them from a crash landing. When in doubt, cut to the potty-mouthed raccoon. Ha, ha, he’s saying “Holy s - - t!” or “Attention, idiots!” Straight out of “Howard the Duck.”
The one-liners in “Star Wars,” an obvious inspiration, got laughs while maintaining the illusion that the characters were in danger.
Here, a joke about “Footloose” does the opposite. Told that a legendary hero called Kevin Bacon saved the people who had sticks up their butts, Saldana’s character asks, “Who put the sticks up their butts?” It’s supposed to be Drax’s job to be the sitcom cretin here, but in “Guardians of the Galaxy” there’s so much stupid being delivered that everybody has to chip in.