DON’T order the special if the waiter says, “It’s not my favorite.” Don’t buy the pants if you have to suck in your gut when you try them on. And don’t go home with the “Orphan” who makes the nun in charge of the orphanage pull a frowny face.
PHOTOS: Movie Kids That Give Us the Creeps
“Orphan,” whose wedding-cake layers of ludicrousness come served with ridiculous topping and absurd sauce, stars Vera Farmiga and Peter Sarsgaard as a pair of Connecticut parent-shoppers who need a replacement kid for a miscarried one.
So why not pick the 9-year-old orphan (Isabelle Fuhrman) who paints pretty pictures, dresses like Little Bo Peep (meets Wednesday Addams) and, er, has mysterious ribbons around her neck and wrists that can’t be removed under any circumstances? The parents are sold, and the orphanage is minus its creepiest resident. “Call me if you need anything,” says the nun, by which she possibly means, “No returns, suckers.”
Although reasonably, cheesily suspenseful, the movie takes a long time to get going. Its tagline, “There’s something wrong with Esther,” turns out to be a masterpiece of understatement.
Esther’s little flaw quickly becomes obvious to most of the characters in the movie, several of whom witness exactly what is going on with her yet say nothing. Would little kids who see something horrifying really be able to remain silent and continue to behave normally at all times?
Esther drops some alarming lies — for instance, she pretends not to know how to play the piano, although she is actually a virtuoso — then doesn’t even bother to hide them. As odd as she gets, several characters continue to defend her, even accepting her dodgy version of events over the word of people they know and trust. Even after she gives her new papa solid reasons to suspect her, he takes her side at all times.
Screeching to its gory conclusion, “Orphan” stacks up the clichés (the frantic drive through the snowstorm in the dark that results in a near-collision; Esther being behind everyone at all times because no one ever looks around). The film mangles its twist and fails to deliver an interesting coup de grace or a sharp line of dialogue.
ORPHAN
Lurking girl. Running time: 120 minutes. Rated R (graphic violence, profanity, sex, nudity). At the 84th Street, the Magic Johnson, the 34th Street, others.