IT might be time for Rob ert Rodriguez to fire his story-development execs — his sons Racer and Rebel.
Rebel Rodriguez helped daddy dream up the slapdash plot of the kiddie movie “Shorts,” a jumble of sci-fi comedy bits about giant boogers, benevolent alien gremlins and a
power-mad industrialist who becomes a Transformer-like monster. (Racer, for his part, chipped in to create “The Adventures of Sharkboy and Lavagirl 3-D,” which had a similar we’re-making-it-up-as-we’re-going-along aspect but did feature brilliant visuals.)
The evil mogul of “Shorts” is played by James Spader, who along with Jon Cryer turns this into a mini-“Pretty in Pink” reunion. Who’d have guessed Cryer would hold up better? Spader is looking a little puffy around the gills, as if some of William Shatner’s DNA rubbed off on him while they were working together for five years.
Cryer and Leslie Mann play the parents of a lonely dork, Toe Thompson (Jimmy Bennett), who comes across a magical “Rainbow Rock” that grants the wishes of whoever holds it — regardless of whether he or she is aware of the rock’s powers.
Cue dopey gags like, “I wish you would grow up,” said to a character who instantly becomes a giant. Mann and Cryer are constantly checking their communications gizmos (he texts her a hug), so she wishes they were closer. Zammo! The pair of them are welded together.
All of these dismal gags are brought off with discount visual effects and lots of cartoon-style boinging and zoinking on the soundtrack. Dialogue is along the lines of “My left or your left?”
Among the wasted talents are William H. Macy, who plays a germophobe scientist who wears a biohazard suit at all times and, like all of the other actors, dials his performance well past “kid-friendly” to “moronic.” The sole bright spot is a new kid actor, Jolie Vanier, who in her film debut does an amusing Wednesday Addams shtick as a sinister little girl dressed all in black. Otherwise, the movie is as lumpy and misshapen as a giant booger.
SHORTS Not short enough. Running time: 87 minutes. Rated PG (mild crude humor). At the E-Walk, the Kips Bay, the 84th Street, others.