Being a sugar daddy isn’t just about running around St. Tropez with a bevy of tanned 20-somethings on your aging arm.
Well, maybe it is, but it’s not all sugar and spice. Sugar daddies have problems, too.
That’s why Earn the Necklace — a Web site that shares stories of relationships between men and their kept women — has just hired a sugar-daddy advice columnist, a 45-year-old senior financial analyst who writes under a pseudonym, Trent.
Does he worry about being used for the cold hard cash? “Hopefully I’m not being used just for a pair of Christian Louboutin shoes,” says Trent. “If I am, that would have been on the table from the outset.”
Having everything laid out candidly has a certain appeal, he says. “We all have our price, be it money, shoes, security, intimacy or attention,” he says. But once your sugar baby has found you, what do you need to know? Read on for Trent’s five pearls of wisdom for sugar daddies.
Don’t become intimate too quickly: You might be tempted to seal the deal that first night. Don’t! A real sugar daddy will wait until he’s comfortable with his sugar baby. And no one can really know that on the first date. Go out on dates at least a few times. Take a cue from Millionaire Matchmaker Patti Stanger: No intimacy before monogamy.
Set firm boundaries: Be upfront, and make sure you both know what the boundaries and expectations are. Sugar daddies should not put anything in writing relating to compensation. And she has to trust he’ll live up to his end of the bargain, just like he hopes she will hers. Verbally agree on initial dos and don’ts, and allow room for the relationship to evolve. Agree on what pampering her will entail. She might not want to be handed an envelope stuffed with cash, for example, and you might not be content with doling out foot massages and eating in every night.
Be respectful: A sugar daddy needs to respect his sugar baby and listen. The sugar baby/sugar daddy relationship may be unconventional, but it’s important to remember it’s still a relationship; it’s not just a business transaction. She’s not your possession, chattel or employee. Her needs need to be met as much as yours do.
Make an effort: There needs to be an emotional and physical connection, and you need to share some of the same interests — or at least be willing to. Even though you have the bank account, you still need to keep your sugar baby happy. Why? She could become disinterested and leave. Chances are you couldn’t have dated her without your money — so make an effort for her to actually like you. This is where things can get complicated. If a sugar baby is getting too attached, for example, it’s best for the sugar daddy to remind her of how they met and what the expectations are. The reverse is also true: A sugar baby should remind a sugar daddy about their relationship.
Don’t make it all about money: The sugar daddy has the money, and the sugar baby has the sugar. Both have what they know the other person wants. Money may be part of the equation, but it’s not a bargaining chip. The relationship is about willfully fulfilling each other’s needs with something you can easily give. It’s not so different from knowing your wife likes flowers and sending her a bouquet every week, for example. In this case, you’re simply fast-forwarding to that phase.