There are so many options for great gifts this holiday season, but for some reason many men are stumped by what to give the lady in their life. Maybe they wait till the last minute, maybe they are a little lazy, or maybe they are just kind of clueless. (Or, maybe they are an unfortunate combination of all three). We’re here to help.
A Digital Pedometer
The Fitbit Force is actually a great gift, if the woman in question is already active and interested in tracking her calories and how much she walks or runs. But if you spring this on her unannounced, you’re going to be in a world of hurt. You might as well give her a card that says, “Honey, lose weight. XO, Jim.”
A High-end Scale
The Withings scale, a Wi-Fi enabled scale, is more than a regular scale: It’s a “smart body analyzer.” It takes your pulse, weighs you, and measures your BMI. But again, unless you’ve got a fitness nut for a sweetie, you are essentially calling a woman fat when you give her a scale for Christmas. Do this and expect to be sleeping on the couch.
A Vacuum Cleaner
When Dr. Austin Langham, the hot, cheating doctor on “Masters of Sex” shows up with a fancy vacuum cleaner for his all-knowing wife, he managed to look both like a guilty fool and an insincere idiot. I don’t care how fancy the Dyson Multi-Compact Canister Vacuum is or how futuristic the Roomba is, you’re basically saying, “Honey, I love you, now clean the house.”
Toaster Oven
You might have a big cook on your hands, and in which case, a really nice KitchenAid or other cooking gadget may be welcome. But a toaster oven? Even a fancy one like the Breville Smart Oven Convection Toaster Oven? This is about as exciting as the thing it is mainly designed to cook: a piece of toast. Go back to the store, mister, and try again.
Santa-themed Lingerie
Every man wants his woman to look and feel sexy, and thinks, “Hey, it’s Christmas time, so let’s pick something up from the store that combines these two ideas.” Wrong. Santa-themed lingerie, with red velvet and white fluffy trim looks sexy on no one, not even the hot models in the Frederick’s of Hollywood pictures. And really, do you want to be reminded of a fat guy with a beard when you look at your girlfriend? Didn’t think so.
Box of Chocolates and a Teddy Bear
This is also a popular option for Valentine’s Day, but we’re not exactly sure why anyone would think that a grown woman would like to receive a stuffed animal with a stale, and not very exciting, box of generic chocolates. Infantilizing gifts should only be given to infants.
Gift Card from Home Depot
You can see the thought process a mile away. Hubby is at Home Depot on Dec. 23, realizes he’s still got to get Wifey a present. Thinks: “She probably needs something for the house from Home Depot.” Picks up a $50 Home Depot gift card. Writes, “Don’t we need a new drill?” in the card, pats himself on the back. Never gets laid again.
A Tool Kit
Maybe she actually needs a tool kit. Maybe she even wants one. But you are fired from Christmas if you go and buy a tool kit that is pink and designed “for girls.” This gift also smacks of giving her things you’d like for yourself, but that you think you’ve cleverly disguised because its colored pink. Buy this and we’re gonna force you to use it on the job site in front of the guys.
A Diet Book
Books are great presents. They are relatively inexpensive and, when chosen well, indicate that you really know your partner and her interests. A diet book telegraphs the message that she needs to lose weight, a message best kept to yourself and the beer belly you are probably sporting. Unless she’s professed a need for a book like the Wheat Belly Cookbook (so trendy!), it’s best to stick to memoirs by Joan Didion, even the depressing one about death.
Cheap Jewelry
Every year you watch the commercial where the guy is sitting by the fire and unveils this little velvet box containing a glittering necklace or pair of earrings and the girl looks at him adoringly, and you think, “I really wanna be that guy.” Then, you look at your wallet, and go get something made out of cubic zirconia and hope for the best. (Hint: It will not turn out like the ending in those commercials when her neck turns green.) You know what they say: Go big or go home.