Lifestyle

Tales from the trenches

BALANCING ACT: Assistants have to juggle many tasks — and in a new book, former Hollywood helper Lydia Whitlock (inset) shares her own war stories and those of fellow former assistants. (
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The Ten Commandments are designed as a deterrent for some of mankind’s most vile deeds. But Lydia Whitlock’s thou-shalt-nots, coming from the perspective of a crazy boss with a punching bag for an assistant, read much more like promises that will never be kept.

Whitlock (right) understands this better than most: She spent her post-grad years catering to the needs of Miranda Priestly-type bosses (but in Hollywood, so, you know, even worse) and now is imparting her wisdom on the poor souls who will soon find themselves on the wrong end of demanding text messages from a drunken boss or getting dressed down for not having said boss’s Amazon-account password handy in an “emergency.”

“The goal with this book, along with making people laugh, is to make assistants know that they’re not alone,” says Whitlock, author of “To My Assistant: Things I’ll Never Do to You, But Many Other Crazy Bosses Will,” slated to come out on April 23. “I went to Hollywood because I wanted to be the bigwig, and being an assistant is a good start for that career path. It didn’t work out exactly as planned, but the experiences, good and bad, were important for me.”

And those experiences, in an ironic twist of fate, have made her exactly what she originally aspired to be: a player on the Hollywood scene. Fox is developing a sitcom based on Whitlock’s book, featuring a group of assistants at a major Gotham law firm banding together to cope with their overbearing boss. It’ll star Catherine O’Hara, Stephen Root and Brittany Snow, with Whitlock serving as a consultant. The pilot’s air date has yet to be determined.

“It’s really come full circle,” Whitlock notes.

Whitlock, a 27-year-old Atlanta native, graduated from Yale in 2008 with a degree in film. Her move to Los Angeles, where she still resides today, led to four years of executive assistant jobs with several Hollywood executives (none of whom she’ll reveal). But it didn’t take long for the need for therapy to kick in. Whitlock’s came in the form of an anonymous blog that ultimately led to her new book by the same name.

The tome is written from the perspective of an unnamed assistant who’s learned how awful bosses can be — and swears not to repeat the abuses when he or she is on top. But this knowing-what-to-expect guide shows its corporate roots through a style that could typically be found during a presentation in a stuffy conference room. From pie charts showing the percentage of time a boss is actually in the office to lists breaking down an assistant’s assignment and what it really means, the book is anchored by such commandments as:

* “I will not make you start an office-wide witch hunt, because I am absolutely certain that someone maliciously lowered my chair by half an inch while I was at lunch.”

* “I will not call you into my office in a serious tone of voice, tell you to close the door, and then ask in a whisper, ‘How do I untag myself from this Facebook picture?’ ”

* “I will not scream at you when you send out my holiday cards, which feature a picture of my entire family smiling disingenuously at the camera, in exactly the punctual manner I told you to, which turns out to be exactly 24 hours before my spouse ambushes me with divorce papers.”

Whitlock’s had her own share of nightmare orders from her bosses, from being pulled away from Thanksgiving dinner to get on the phone and listen to a conference call to spending an entire day sitting in her boss’s home waiting for the cable guy.

But one note of comfort Whitlock offers for assistants is that her book isn’t based solely on her experiences, but rather a collection of them — as well as war stories from her peers. For example: The worst tale she’s come across was thankfully one of her fellow assistants, who was tasked with collecting a stool sample from a boss’s dog to deliver to the veterinarian.

“I don’t know if I could’ve done that,” Whitlock says with a chuckle.

“Had most of these things actually happened to me, I’m not sure I’d be alive to write about them,” Whitlock writes at the outset of her book.

Although some of the horror scenarios peppered throughout Whitlock’s book could be considered life-threatening, Whitlock insists there are benefits to the job if you have a thick skin and resilience.

“It’s different when you’re a trusted assistant,” she says. “The torture might still be there, but you can also have a lot of input on what your boss is doing.”

According to a 2012 US Bureau of Labor Statistics report, more than 4 million people serve as administrative assistants (or secretaries) and another 800,000 are described as “executive administrative assistants.” For every one of the nearly 5 million, there’s a boss — and Whitlock says this book is for them, too.

“It’s important for them to take a harder look at themselves and how they treat their assistants,” she says. “It’s important for them to read this.”

Or at least have their assistants read it to them.

æASSISTANT ADVICE

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Don’t take it personally every time your boss yells at you — but don’t let a foul-tempered boss turn you into a doormat. Stand up for yourself when it’s important, and try to let the little things roll off your back.

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For both the health of your body and your wallet, learn to pack your own lunch. Bonus points if you make your boss jealous with how good your homemade food is.

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Every now and then, sit back and take stock of your job and the company you work for. Would you want to have your boss’s job one day? If the answer is no, start looking for a new job — quietly.

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Wear comfortable shoes. They should allow you to run quickly to the other end of the office when your boss screams your name.