Everyone’s favorite guilty pleasure is back for its fifth season, so that means every Friday the Post will be your source for all of the tanned and gelled action from the ‘Jersey Shore’
Last night’s season premiere began with the gang anxiously awaiting their return to Seaside Heights. The way Snooki and Pauly D make Italy sound, you would think it’s a third-world country. No haircuts, tanning, gyms, guidos or even a boardwalk…I suppose it is a third-world country if you’re a guido/guidette.
Back in America, the rooming situation is dissected in the van. Eventually everyone decides on going back to their old rooms because no one wanted to room with The Situation, and because Snooki peed in her bed last summer.
Pauly D and Vinny immediately get their well-documented bromance underway by breaking in their old beds with some dry-humping. Maybe they should have taken the “Smush Room” instead.
In what is sure to be the most drama-filled room of the house, Situation pledges to put all of his past issues behind him and not to create problems between Ronnie and Sammi. The over/under on the first blow up between the three of them is four episodes…those are the official Vegas odds.
After unloading enough clothing to stock the Shore Store for the next five summers, the crew decides to kick off the summer the right way, with pickle shots. Jagerbombs are so last summer.
In their third summer in Seaside Heights, Shore Store owner Danny expects the roommates to be the seasoned vets, no more slacking off. It’s time to work hard…after they hit the boardwalk and take care of some important “American errands.”
As it turns out, the errands are the classic trio of Gym, Tan, Laundry, followed by a haircut. It’s fitting that this season airs in 2012, because Situation must have foreseen what the Mayans allegedly did and declared it to be the end of civilization as the guys have become pale and have lost weight. Pauly D is in his own little world (aka tanning bed), Ronnie is in heaven at the gym, Situation is in a fog after using an entire can of hairspray on his ‘do and Vinny tries to keep up by becoming a “juicehead in training.”
Danny wanted the entire cast to head over to a local bar in order for them to all catch up on the stories from Italy. When they arrive, the roommates are surprised to see all of their friends and family gathered for a “Welcome Home” party. Vinny, who apparently didn’t get the memo that juiceheads don’t cry, gets a bit emotional when he sees his mother and Uncle Nino, who is hitting on everything that walks.
Things start to heat up when The Situation, his friend from home “The Unit,” Jionni, Snooki and Vinny all interact. Ronnie notes that it’ll be a bad chess move for Snooki to provoke Situation and The Unit and if she does, it’s checkmate for the meatball. It’s hard not to feel bad for Jionni as he sits there amid the awkwardness of sharing a bar with two guys his girlfriend has hooked up with and a slew of others who have witnessed it.
Things take a turn for the worst when Snooki and The Unit get into what ultimately amounts to a bickering contest before heading home, where Mike notes that Hurricane Situation is heading right for Snooki Island.
Before slamming Snooki Island however, Hurricane Situation and Tropical Storm Unit share a nice moment together at the house. These two make Vinny and Pauly D look like enemies when they share clothes, body spray, get undressed next to each other and complement one another on how good the other looks. Snooki intelligently uses this time to lock herself in her room with Jionni and hide from whatever drama may await. Crisis averted.
Back outside, things turn hot and heavy between Pauly D and Snooki’s friend Ryder. Ryder has been a reoccurring personality on the show for the past four seasons, mainly popping in and out to hook up with one of the four guidos in the house. This time, Pauly D gets his turn, much to Deena’s dismay.
The next morning, after the mandatory jokes about buses, rides and “Guido Bingo,” the focus turns to Unit and Snooki, who confront one another outside and Snooki offers an apology, albeit a half-hearted one, to quell the storm. Unit begrudgingly accepts and all is well, except for Vinny.
Vinny continues to mope around the house because he is homesick, misses his family and “is running on fumes.” Even a trip to Aztec to build some Seaside momentum couldn’t cheer Vinny up.
What did happen at Aztec is that Mike and Jionni became BFFs. Jionni bought Mike drinks all night and Mike called him “the nicest kid ever.” (Side note: These guys are making $100G an episode, shouldn’t Situation be buying Jionni drinks? Also Snooki said earlier in the episode how she hoped Danny bought drinks for them…is she serious?)
The show ends with Vinny turning down the tantalizing offer from Ronnie and Pauly D of either a stripper or a hooker to break his funk. Well, if that isn’t enough, I certainly don’t know what could do the job.