They really did break up! The season finale picks up after last episode’s brutal roommate fight with Hannah and Adam helping Marnie move out of the Greenpoint apartment. Hannah is helping with the move, so apparently they don’t hate each other. You can’t help someone haul a mattress out of a walk-up unless you still care for them.
Adam is surprisingly sweet and supportive when Hannah talks to him about her guilt in Marnie moving. But then he says something weird. Really weird. Weirder than when he had Hannah roleplay as a 13-year-old junkie. He offers to move into the apartment with her.
Marnie is staying in Shoshanna’s bachelorette pad. Apparently Jessa hasn’t been heard from “in like a full 24/7,” so there’s room on the couch.
The mysteriousness continues when Hannah and Ray get texts at work from Jessa about going to “the most important party of my life,” with the instruction to “dress real nice.”
An awkward man welcomes everyone to the mystery party, then, oh my, the venture capitalist comes on stage. Remember him? The guy who tried to have a threeway with Marnie and Jessa. Then, Jessa walks out in a short, white dress and a veil. The mystery party is a wedding.
Some beautiful vows take place about the intended threesome, how Thomas thought to himself when Jessa left, “If I ever see that crazy b—h again, I’m going to make her my wife.” The stuff of fairy tales. And Jessa confesses that when Thomas showed up at her apartment with flowers, she was prepared to call the special victims unit and that she found him creepy and boring. But then he started talking about travel and finance, and she was hooked. (Translation: The wife of the man she almost had an affair with scared her silly with her lecture about unrealistic expectations, and Jessa settled for the next thing that came along, and it helped that he was loaded.)
At the reception, Charlie and Marnie chat over the champagne. Charlie, who is still dating Audrey, suggests they go have sex in the bathroom. They go back and forth as if this was a joke. But is it, really? And then, Ray makes a pass at Shoshanna. She asks if he is “punking her.” But he’s not, he wants to go home with her. Then Hannah does the Beyonce “Halo” dance for Adam, but he warns her to save her strength because “we’re in it for the long haul, kid.”
Then, Hannah runs into her ex Elijah, he admits he did give her HPV, she meets his boyfriend, then Hannah suggests Elijah move into Marnie’s old room.
She goes to tell Adam he’s off the hook for moving in. But Adam tells her he wasn’t offering because he wanted to help, but because he loves her. L bomb officially dropped. Hannah doesn’t return the sentiment, and Adam storms out. “You chase me like I’m the f—ing Beatles for six months, then I get comfortable and you shrug?” Hannah’s defense is that she is “the most scared person alive.” Then Adam gets hit by a van (“Mean Girls” style.) When the ambulance comes, Adam won’t let her in, telling the paramedics “Don’t let her in, she’s a f—ing monster.”
The awkward officiant brings out the cake, and Marnie clearly has on some champagne googles, because she finds him cute. They flirt over handfuls of cake, then Charlie walks in on them making out. And back at Shoshanna’s, it seems that the lucky V-card winner is Ray.
Hannah gets on the F train, and falls asleep. When she wakes up, it’s nearly light out and her purse is gone. She’s at the end of the line, in Coney Island. Hate when that happens.