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‘Real Housewives of New York’ Recap: Grand Marshall of the Me Parade

The Real Housewives of New York you used to know and love are no more. First, Bethenny’s gone, off doing her own show and whatnot, which is sad. But you’re in luck if you like watching shrill, vapid women scream at each other in a nonsensical fashion for one-hour blocks of time. Because that’s what the premiere and second episode have consisted of: screaming and yelling, and then rehashing of the screaming and yelling, and pretty soon you’re screaming and yelling too, at your dog or plants or whatever.

I know this used to happen and all, but this particular season of RHONY is beyond reproach.

In case you’ve forgotten about what last week’s main beef was in the premiere, it’s that Jill and Alex still hate each other, although Jill wants to make nice. But then Alex was upset that Jill wasn’t going to attend a Marriage Equality March despite the fact that she was on the board of it, and she assaulted her with it at a wedding.

Well, this week, we open to learn that Sonja, a self-professed “gay icon” has been invited to be the grand marshal of this event. She goes on and on about how this is “her day” and condescendingly thanks the other ladies for “being there to support her” because she will have to give a big speech and try to convince people like me and all of gay New York that she is a gay icon. Alex, however, is miffed that it was not recognized that she is on the host committee.

So everyone gathers to wear wedding dresses and walk around lower Manhattan and over to Brooklyn to shout and cheer in support of Sonja and Her Big Day, I mean, marriage equality. When they arrive downtown, Alex’s husband Simon is donning a garish, too-small, rainbow sequin jacket. This is how Simon shows his love for the gays, by assaulting their eyeballs. Simon begins to gripe because he wanted to make a little speech but was advised the event organizers that Gay Icon Sonja forbade anyone else from “the group” from talking. An embarrassing back-and-forth spat ensues, with Gay Icon Sonja getting flustered and distracted from her otherwise keen focus on her rhetorical fantasia that she has planned, and Alex’s chin threatening to eject itself from her face in contempt for Sonja’s selfishness. “We’re embarrassing ourselves,” insists Kelly, who has learned to recognize this.

Oh, then Jill shows up, not clad in wedding wear but ready to support nonetheless. There is a collective groan. Alex tries to throw a few elbows about last week’s argument that being a committee member, Jill was expected to show up. Luckily everyone is distracted because it is time for Sonja’s big speech, and the collective breath of hundreds of gay rights supporters is drawn in as they await her brilliant diatribe, her iconic words of inspiration.

“Love!” shouts Sonja.

A few whoops ring out, just because it’s a rally and whooping is encouraged.

“Love is equal! And same-sex marriage should be equal!”

The crowd is literally befuddled by her genius. The speech, if that’s what you can call it, goes on from there in an unremarkable fashion. Tired of standing around, everyone follows the ladies in their wedding finery in their march to Brooklyn.

After the march, everyone heads over to Alex and Simon’s house. They’re ready to celebrate the most canned rally speech ever with a little champagne. Jill approaches Alex in a classic RHONY fashion, saying that despite their recent hate-driven spat, she really loves her and wants to be friends. Alex says she’s not ready because Alex is committed to being angry with everyone. Then Simon finally gets to make his speech, which includes a heartwarming rendition of when he first met Alex and was very pleased she turned out to have female machinery in her undercarriage.

In other news, new housewife Cindy, who is neither a wife nor someone who stays at home, is a bit weathered, and she has an oddly close relationship with her brother. But she seems sort of innocuous so far, so let’s give her a few weeks to hone her crazy. It’s not fair to compare her to the rest of the loony bin. The important thing to know about Cindy is that she decided she will not be inviting Ramona to any Hamptons parties this summer because Ramona said something unfriendly about someone else.

Moving on, Gay Icon Sonja and LuAnn, Countess of Yore have lunch and recap the entire rally argument, with Sonja insisting she felt as though she were part of a drive-by shooting. LuAnn concedes that Alex has now “found her voice” but now needs to shut up.

You know something’s off in this show when you literally breathe a sigh of relief that Ramona is on screen because as least she is not crazy like these other freaks. That’s right, I said Ramona: Not Crazy. Quickly things return to normal/crazy, though. Ramona’s purchased a table at some benefit thing, but she didn’t invite Kelly. Except then Kelly shows up because someone else invited her, and Ramona is enraged, then scrambles to seat her at her table, but then Kelly doesn’t stay for dinner and – shock! – a big deal was made of nothing! Oh, and Sonja rehashes the rally argument for Ramona, because if we don’t replay an argument twenty times, it’s like it never happened, and then this show would cease to exist.

Up next, Sonja is hosting an art party for her sometime lover, young Brian, who has painted a portrait of her that will be unveiled in dramatic fashion. Once again, it’s Sonja’s night! All praise Sonja. Alex is invited (for contractual reasons, I presume) and wears her finest bondage dress, with cutouts where normal women have nipples. Sonja is kind enough to greet her at the door with a loving sentiment followed by a cutting warning that Simon better never get in her ear again like he did at the rally. You don’t know where Sonja’s ear has been, and sequins can chafe. The chin comes out, and Alex flies into a fury, insisting that Sonja hijacked the entire event. And then Sonja starts to fight with her, saying Alex made it all about her, and after about 10 minutes of nonsensical, circular, repetitive shrieking that drives the boys wild, Gay Icon Sonja pronounces her rude and orders her out of her house. Then Brian unveils his masterpiece, a droopy-breasted, old-faced Sonja likeness that nevertheless pleases all in attendance. And Alex is left to hobble to Brooklyn alone, her chin adrift in righteous indignation.