Because I almost care, who do you think feels worse right about now — Gilbert Arenas, Javaris Crittenton, the pistol-whipped Wizards, the Nail Clippers or David Stern? Age before unsightliness, I always advocate.
So, the commissioner sent Arenas (50 games) and Crittenton (38) to bed without their paychecks and per diems for the rest of the season.
“They brandished firearms, and that just can’t be tolerated,” Stern said in a conference call. “If there’s any doubt to any of our players about it in the future, we will be dealing with this in an even more severe way.”
Gee, ya think?
I expected something more, something pithy — for instance, “We are going to evaluate the situation after the season, a la Pacman Jones, and see if it’s in the best interest of our league to allow one or both to resume their careers.”
After all, last I checked, Stern, who, fully accepted the players’ expressions of regret, worked for the owners, who have more of a stake in this squalidness than anyone.
So, I guess once Arenas, who treated the malevolent matter as a joke until finally getting yoked, and Crittenton, pinky-swore they wouldn’t do it again, it was all good.
Pluto to Olympic Tower: Being really repentant does not negate being repulsively reprehensible. Carrying concealed weapons into the locker room weren’t merely “mistakes,” as many maintain, they were premeditated criminal acts that could have raged out of control and injured or killed eyewitness Wizards.
Oh, I’m sorry, I forgot; the two players assert they challenged each other with empty chambers and clips, and D.C.’s law enforcement and NBA authorities lapped it up.
And why shouldn’t they believe their stories? I’m sure it happens all the time; two guys have a beef, threats are made over a period of hours, it’s well-known one guy has guns stashed where they both regularly hang out, and so the other, in fear for his life, takes his equalizer out of his car and brings it to their playgroup for protection –yet neither one supposedly has any ammo.
Picture this; they’re facing off in the locker room, Arenas produces three guns, tells Crittenton to pick one, warns there’s a fourth gun hidden somewhere else, and suddenly Crittenton brandishes a piece of his own.
Yet, out of all that firepower there’s not a piece of loose steel to be found.
I don’t represent to be a cretin of the street, but that sounds a little far-fetched. I’ve never heard of both sides coming to a gun fight with unloaded weapons.
On the other hand, if Arenas and Crittenton had a battle of wits they’d have no problem convincing me both were unarmed.
If, indeed, their tall tale to the police and the NBA is true, it’ll go down in history as the all-time lamest show of magnum force.
I mean, other than the pointed finger by Clint Eastwood’s character in “Gran Torino.”
Still, notice no one thought he was bluffing his gun was loaded when he went to his waistband. Why would Arenas and Crittenton think the other was bluffing?
So, what now? Crittenton already got off — probation and community service — as easy as Sunday morning after copping a plea to a misdemeanor, whereas Arenas pleaded guilty to a felony and is scheduled to be sentenced March 26.
I’ve heard purported court experts say they don’t expect Arenas to get more than 30 days in jail. Apparently the pussycat prosecutor will be satisfied with such clemency, or close to it.
I’m all for compassion. Lord knows I’ve welcomed it more times than deserved. Nevertheless, the D.C. judge cannot give Arenas a light prison term, it says here. I realize executive privilege runs rampant in D.C., but doesn’t the district boast some of the country’s strictest gun laws? At least that’s what we’ve been advised repeatedly since Arenas turned over his cache to 5-0.
Column contributor Phillip Marmanillo believes there’s a method to Stern’s madness. A harsher punishment almost certainly would’ve resulted in a prolonged public court battle with the Players Association on behalf of Arenas and Crittenton.
“I think Stern will let the D,C. judge do the heavy lifting,” Marmanillo e-mails. “Wild Gil is a two-time offender. It’s not likely the judge will give Arenas a minimum sentence, no matter how much he claims to have changed. Once the judge hits him with a year sentence, the Wizards will void the contract and Stern won’t have to fight with the Union, arbitrator, etc.”
Gilbert better hope the judge is not a Wizards’ fan with dreams of them signing Chris Bosh with his money.
As for Stern, if nothing else, this should move him to the front of the line for jury duty.
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As for my Nail Clippers, all you need to know about the state of the union is that it’s apparently more hazardous to one’s health playing in the I-Nod Center than sitting in a Toyota.
Some free advice for the Clip Joint: Leave the industry. I mean, coming from 16 down in the second quarter to even to the score in the third, only to lose by 16 anyway.
Let’s just say I have newfound respect for Buffalo and San Diego.
This just in from column castigator Frank Drucker: “Figuring they both have time on their hands, Greg Oden and Arenas are remaking “Naked Gun.”