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Even my nanny agrees: Deport illegals!

No one walks into the motherhood minefield intending to become an outlaw. But with no pre meditation and very little thought, I did.

I had in my employ a nanny who lived in this country illegally. Or rather, the energetic, experienced mommy substitute whose services I needed to get my family through the day had lived and worked on these shores for years without benefit of a green card. It was her choice.

Was I harboring a criminal? Probably, though we paid her taxes in an effort to make her presence legit.

Did anyone, save for those vetting candidates for federal judgeships or Cabinet posts, seem to mind? Not a bit.

This weekend, several thousand New Yorkers — many of them union members or professional “activists” — braved the sunshine to protest laws like the one in Arizona. They insist that anti-immigrant laws, which several states are now considering, will result in the rounding up and deporting of brown-complected people based on the color of their skin.

“This is racial profiling, plain and simple!” said union worker Sandy Cohen of Queens, at a rally in Union Square. Then came the chants, “Power to the people!”

But it is those such as — surprise! — my former nanny who found the marchers all wet.

“They just want to take from this beautiful country,” she told me. “They don’t want to work. They want to commit crimes or whatever.” Wow.

We are a city of hypocrites. And we’ll never come to terms with illegal immigration until we face who we are.

Secretly, we like illegals — nudge, nudge, wink, wink — at least when they perform jobs that citizens either abhor or are not willing or qualified to do. Such as changing diapers or busing tables. Washing dishes or hauling machinery. We look the other way. Or worse.

“Are you kidding? If they deported every illegal nanny, no one would get to work on Wall Street and the city would crumble,” said a pal who has hired two illegals herself. Hiring aliens was enough to scuttle the attorney-general prospects of Kimba Wood and Zoe Baird, not to mention that it set in motion the crash and burning of Bernie Kerik. But deporting people is such a lengthy process, the government doesn’t even go after non-lawbreakers.

It’s business as usual.

But the crisis in immigration cannot be protested away. We like immigrants, until they overburden emergency rooms. Or crimes are committed by those who have no stake in this society. Predictably, The New York Times was hysterical over an alien crackdown. Columnist Linda Greenhouse wrote a breathless piece in which she vowed to boycott Arizona, much to the state’s relief.

But had Times reporters walked into Brooklyn or Queens or even onto 43rd Street and talked to immigrants, they would have heard another view. Rose Molitemi of New Jersey, for instance, was ready to march — in favor of a crackdown.

“It’s a privilege to come to America,” she said. “A lot of people coming over the border are drug dealers, and that bothers me. They should not be given a break more than anyone else gets.”

The answer is simple — and elusive.

Lawbreakers should be deported, swiftly. No appeals. No civil-liberties lawyers. Out.

But those willing to work peacefully should be encouraged to stay. Pay taxes. Be part of society.

My ex-nanny is now on her way to becoming an American. Yet it’s she who says: Throw the bums out!

Sound advice.

Lying cop meets the sleazy rider

The lawyer for slacker Christopher Long told jurors, “You may not like him.” Well, they didn’t.

The wiry, pot-smoking anarchist brought burly rookie cop Patrick Pogan to court on charges he shoved him off his bicycle at a rally in Times Square — an act caught on YouTube. But Pogan testified that he was just following a captain’s orders to “do what you have to do” to stop lawbreakers. That was all jurors needed.

They found the now ex-cop not guilty of assault.

It didn’t help that Long testified he got high daily while performing a natural act best left undescribed. Jurors did nail Pogan for lying when he claimed, falsely, that Long had charged at him and knocked him down.

After the verdict, Long was weirdly at peace. “I don’t think Pogan ever intended to assault me, so I am not disappointed at all with the verdict. I do hope that we can all just chill out,” he said.

The best thing to come out of this mess was that it kept these men off the streets for a time.

CODGER STILL RAISING CAINE

Call it Revenge of the Geriatrics.

Youth are wilding on city streets and subways. Maybe it takes an old codger to stand up and say, “Enough!”

This is why Michael Caine wanted to see me. Yes, Sir Michael. He’s starring in a new revenge fantasy flick, “Harry Brown,” in which he plays a geezer who kicks the behinds of drug dealers and thugs. I sense a trend (“Kick-Ass, “24.”)

“It was a wake-up call for people about that part of society — you have to do something,” said Caine, a jolly 77.

Set a few yards from the English housing project where he grew up, the film has Caine maiming and even killing the toughs who laid waste to his best friend. Refreshingly, there is no moral hand-wringing here.

“All the scripts I’m looking at now are proactive, old guys who’ve had enough. I’m fed up!” he said.

And while you’re at it, do something about high taxes and lack of responsibility. “I believe in sharing the cake with everyone. I also believe you need someone to make the goddamn cake!”

We could use a guy like this.


Revenge in a diaper

Babies. They’re not just little lives anymore. They’re souvenirs. (See Madonna.) Status symbols. (See Angelina.) Accessories. (See both.) And now . . . weapons.

In a display of maternal warfare, Sandra Bullock took home a little bundle named Louis to stick a knife in the gut of unfaithful hubby Jesse James.

Louis looks too cuddly to act as a blunt instrument. Could be worse — he could be Rosie O’Donnell’s bouncing boy.


Another jock we can do without

He’s our problem now.

Tweet-le dumb New York Jet Santonio Holmes hasn’t played a minute for our city. Already, he’s been (a) suspended four games for a substance-abuse violation, and (b) questioned by Pittsburgh cops after he grew “disruptive” and ignored a flight attendant’s request to switch off his iPod. He swears he was asleep.

Don’t forget (c) he poked fun at the iPod shuffle, with a verbally suspect tweet on Twitter. “Thanks for the support but some people just want to make their name blow up!”

The Pittsburgh Steelers awarded Holmes to the Jets amid a host of antics and accusations. Have we not had enough of idiot jocks?