If you want to sing the national anthem and not sound like a hungry cat wailing at the moon, you have to have some pipes. It’s a hard song to sing, it goes low to high to low to very high and back again, and if you don’t have the proper range, it can be hell on your voice box, and hell-er on anyone listening.
So right away you can understand how Roseanne Barr and Carl Lewis could have provided their cataclysmic versions of the “Star-Spangled Banner”: because they would have a hard time staying on key for a whole version of “Row, Row, Row Your Boat” or “ABCDEFG” But those aren’t the most humiliating versions, anyway.
What’s worse is when the singers — especially paid, professional singers, for whom this ought to be impossible — forget the words. There was that unforgettable incident a few years ago where that poor, little girl totally blanked on the lyrics before a playoff game in Portland and Blazers coach Maurice Cheeks earned a special place in heaven for standing alongside her and pulling her through to the end. Again, that was an amateur girl. That stuff will happen.
But Christina Aguilera? Before the Super Bowl, and the kajillion of onlookers who heard her completely flub the most familiar song in the American songbook? Robert Goulet sang it before the second Ali-Liston fight, mangled the words early, then hummed the rest of the melody.
Even the great Robert Merrill, who claimed to have sung it more than any other singer, who sang it Opening Day at Yankee Stadium in 1969 and 42 years later they still sometimes play his classic version, botched the words at the celebrated JFK birthday bash at Madison Square Garden back in 1962, the same event at which Marilyn Monroe famously remembered every syllable of “Happy Birthday.”
Years later, Merrill would explain, “I forgot the words right after ‘Rocket’s red glare,’ and so I jiggled the mike with my knee to distort the sound, create a distraction and regain my train of thought.” Even so, for years afterward, he would keep the lyrics inside his doffed hat, just in case he needed a cue.
The traditional version of the song is just 80 words long — 80 words. That’s all you need. When a really
good singer nails it, it’s not only pleasing to the ears but to the skin: a well-done “anthem” is the home office for goose
pimples. And you always will remember the great ones. My favorites, in order:
1. Whitney Houston — Of course. Not only because she was at her peak that January of 1991, not only because we were at war, but she hits the final note (“brave”) in a different way than almost anyone else who’s ever tried to sing it, and it is unforgettable. If you haven’t listened in a while, do so at once.
2. Boyz II Men — At the 2000 women’s Final Four in Philadelphia, they turned in an a capella version that stunned the crowd to a pre-ovation silence.
3. Jose Feliciano — He caused a stir when he did his lengthy guitar version at the ’68 World Series, but you should give it a listen.
4. (tie) John Amirante/Suzyn Waldman — When they sang the anthem at the Garden back in the day, you knew it had been sung.
6. James Taylor — He should have gotten a championship ring for his rendition at the 2004 World Series.
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WHACK BACK AT VAC
Alan Hirschberg: Carmelo Anthony does one thing really well: He scores lots of points. Right now, without him, the Knicks are among the league’s highest-scoring teams. Of the items the Knicks really need, which of the following would Carmelo bring: a) length;
b) defense; c) rebounding; d) none of the above?
Vac: Fair points all, of course. Carmelo doesn’t bring the Knicks, a still-incomplete team, a title; he just gets them a few steps closer.
Joseph Detrano: Good column on the NFL selling out its fans again, but I wish you were as passionate about Woody Johnson doing the same to Jets fans, and how Roger Goodell looks the other way when owners mess with fans with tickets and how the NFL changes times on games and has night games in freezing cold. I think the media has given Woody a free pass, and it’s disgusting what he did.
Vac: Unfortunately, no matter how much the media yells at the Johnsons, the Maras and the Tisches running their PSL policy bank, the only thing any of them would have heard is the sound of fans not buying them. And a lot of fans — or at least enough of them — bought them.
Eric Leo: Has anyone proposed Honolulu as the site for a Super Bowl? At 1 p.m. there, it would be 7 p.m. in New York. Not too much different from the usual kickoff time.
Vac: I have just submitted your name into nomination for the commissionership, Eric. I don’t think I’ll have trouble rounding up enough signatures.
Anthony L. Roccamo: I’ve been reading the Andy Pettitte/Hall of Fame articles and there is a legitimate point about his HGH use. As his record was 240-138, let’s penalize him 71 losses for that, making his record 240-209. That’s a winning percentage of .5345 — the same as current Hall inductee Bert Blyleven.
Vac: I’m very glad we get five full years to think this one over.
VAC’S WHACKS
* What are the odds of opposing NFL teams serenading Mark Sanchez with a rendition of “I Saw Her Standing There” when he jogs onto the field next year — assuming there is a next year? Google the first line of the song if you don’t follow.
* Eric Chavez, Andruw Jones, Mark Prior, Bartolo Colon, Freddy Garcia . . . if they wanted to, the Yankees could hold six-inning Old-Timers Games before all their home games this year, kind of like the way high school basketball nights have the JV play before the varsity.
* I don’t think they can pull this off, or even come close, but the Devils’ crazy pursuit of the No. 8 seed in the East — after all but forfeiting the first half of the season — is one of the most compelling, if under-noticed, stories of the winter right now.
* I know there’s a fierce Sharks-vs.-Jets fight between loyalists of “Community” and “Modern Family,” but if I had to declare right now I would have to land on the side of “Community.”