Kyle Smith

Kyle Smith

Movies

‘That Awkward Moment’ is a stale bromantic-comedy

“That Awkward Moment” is a rom-com for dudes that seeks to outdo the ladies by being even more insipid, formulaic and contrived than anything Katherine Heigl has ever done. Its style is equal parts lactational and locker room, the only conceivable point of debate being whether it’s the weepy displays of affection or the witless talk of ca-ca and pee-pees that is more excruciating.

As a young Manhattan book designer, Zac Efron defines the film’s title as that point in the relationship when the girl asks, “So . . . ?” As in, “So, where is this heading?” This is the Bat signal that supposedly tells a guy to flee, because it means she’s getting all icky and lovey and stuff. Jason (Efron) and his besties Daniel (Miles Teller) and Mikey (Michael B. Jordan of “Fruitvale Station”) resolve to seize the opportunity yielded by Mikey’s breakup with his wife (Jessica Lucas) to hold the ladies at bay and “stay single,” meaning it’s OK to maintain a “roster” of women to sleep with, but not to get too close to them.

Immediately, though, both Jason and Daniel get attached to their current bonk buddies, Ellie and Chelsea (Imogen Poots, Mackenzie Davis). Meanwhile, Mikey rekindles the flames with his own wife, who required only a bit of spontaneous non-bedroom sex to smooth out their problems.

This is one of those movies where the only way you can tell “witty banter” is meant to be taking place is that couples are smiling a lot and telling each other how funny they are while pushing banalities at each other. Only those banalities come with a side of Tourette’s: No one ever says “What’s that?” if they could be saying, “What the f - - - is that?” And yet people keep having sex with most of their clothes on. For a self-consciously R-rated movie, the love scenes could almost be rated A, for “Amish.”

One couple discovers they have this charming detail in common: They both like parks. Does that really narrow down the dating possibilities? It’s like, “Hey, you have two legs also. We’re meant for each other!” And if a guy proved he was a jerk by skipping your dad’s funeral, would you forgive him because he targeted you with a big, pouffy display of embarrassing public affection?

Jason — who is shirtless an awful lot considering he’s in a movie that’s supposed to be for straight men — attends a dress-up party wearing a foot-long rubber ding-dong dangling out of his crotch. The guys keep bursting in on each other during sex (then lingering for weirdly long periods), and when they get depressed, they break out the Ben & Jerry’s and wash it down with whiskey. Otherwise they pass the time gazing at one another’s naked man-parts, ogling each other’s shoes, designing chick-lit book covers or shopping for sex toys. Then they ask each other questions like, “If you were gay, would you date me?” Maybe there’s a reason these guys keep coming up with silly rules designed to keep scary women at arm’s length, and it isn’t fear of commitment. Maybe the three of them just want to stay in their man-cave together and watch “Project Runway.”