Kim and Kanye, thank you so much for including me in your most special — and hopefully most highly Nielsen-rated — day.
It’s been so incredible. Dinner in Paris, a ceremony at an Italian castle, a multimillion-dollar budget. Wow! But it’s a bittersweet day, for sure. On one hand, we’re delighted for this happy couple. On the other hand, for all those fathers out there trying to instruct their daughters that nothing but ruin and humiliation will come from making porn — well, good luck explaining this.
Holy crap! Two thousand specially trained white doves just spelled out “Kim” in the heavens.
This has been such a beautiful wedding, and so unique. It’s definitely the first wedding I’ve ever been to with a merch table.
I picked up a Kimye T-shirt and six grains of rice to throw, each covered in 294 Swarovski crystals at a cost of $9,100 each. I’m told some of the proceeds go to Scott Disick, so in the eyes of the IRS, it counts as a charitable deduction.
It’s been so much fun spending this weekend with you and your guests. The list reportedly once included some 1,600 of your nearest and dearest — a full third of whom hadn’t dated or been married to Kim before.
But Kim, in truth, it’s so lovely to see that you’re still close with your exes, and that you’re a big enough person to include them in your wedding. Kris Humphries will be by with a drinks tray any minute now.
Remember Kris? Kim, you were married to him for 72 days, and I’m sure a lot of people are ribbing you about that. But, hey, at least you didn’t end up with Lamar Odom.
Sorry, the producers of “Keeping Up With the Kardashians” are stopping me here. They’d like to reshoot that last joke. It didn’t quite work. Hang on. I’m being handed a script.
OK, action!
Remember Kris? Kim, you were married to him for 72 days, and I’m sure a lot of people are ribbing you about that. But this marriage should last much longer. I hear it has a five-episode commitment.
Close friends Beyoncé and Jay Z were apparently on the fence about coming because they were a bit squeamish about appearing on Kim’s reality show. They prefer to appear on-camera in elevators.
And the food here has been really amazing. Kanye, you weren’t lying when you screamed at everyone who would listen that these were the “best crudités of all time. Of all time.” I can’t disagree. Tasty.
It’s been really great getting to meet both of your families. Congratulations to Bruce Jenner for catching the bouquet. You’re next, girl!
And per Page 42, section iii of her contract, Khloe is here. So is Kourtney, who also negotiated an executive producer credit. So is the youngest Kardashian, 16-year-old Kylie Jenner. I know the family is grateful that she didn’t let her rigorous academic commitments get in the way of attending this wedding.
You guys have everything a couple needs to keep a marriage strong. You have love and class and talent and, above all, high name recognition among the coveted 18-24 demographic.
Kardashian klan matriarch Kris Jenner is also here, and she wants to assure everyone that she would have cried rivers when Kim was walking down the aisle had her tear ducts not been Botoxed into oblivion.
That ceremony was moving, and I personally loved how Kim took the time to tweet during the exchange of vows. I don’t understand the people who are criticizing her. How else was she supposed to pass the time while Kanye set up the Auto-Tune?
Also, can I just say how great everyone looks, especially the bride and groom? Kanye, I’ve never seen a sweatpants tuxedo before, but you really pull it off. I’m sure it’s going to be a big seller for your A.P.C. fashion line.
And Kim, three outfit changes for one occasion! They look amazing — or at least the backs of them do. I’m sure one of these days you’ll get around to letting the paparazzi and everyone else gathered here see you from another angle.
You guys have everything a couple needs to keep a marriage strong. You have love and class and talent and, above all, high name recognition among the coveted 18-24 demographic.
So let’s all raise a glass of champagne — and Kanye, Biebs wanted you to have this sizzurp — to Mr. and Mrs. West. May the TV writers never pen you out of each other’s lives!