It was a night that made you wish the VMAs happened every month.
The American Music Awards are known in the entertainment world for being a stiff and unexciting night, but the 2013 ceremony was particularly dull. Drab performances, endless industry thank yous and most disappointingly, pop stars being nice to each other.
The show, broadcast live from the Nokia Theatre in Los Angeles, did feature occasional spots of light. For the song “Do What U Want,” Lady Gaga and R Kelly played out what felt like a high-camp episode of “Scandal” with Kelly playing a horny President and Gaga acting as his sexy aide. Rihanna sang a classy, orchestral version of “Diamonds” before being presented with an Icon Award by her own mother. And even J-Lo managed to surprise by showing off her fiery salsa dancing skills.
But for the most part, the 2013 AMAs ceremony was a boring parade of backslapping. Here are ten of the worst things about it.
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1. Katy Perry
She wouldn’t dream of black facing for a performance, nor is it very likely that she’d ever approve a Navajo-themed number. So why did Katy Perry think it was OK to dress up like a Japanese Geisha for the opening act of the night? The fact that her singing of the awful current single “Unconditional” was off-key was bad enough, but the fact that Perry didn’t see anything offensive in her routine is astonishing. She’s no racist but clearly, Perry exists in a blissfully ignorant bubble.
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2. Ariana Grande
Kevin Winter/Getty Images OK, so the girl can sing. She’s not referred to as the new Mariah Carey for nothing. But during her performance of “Tattooed Heart,” the 20-year-old sounded like a cat in a snowstorm as she ran through her entire range in three minutes. You don’t have to sing every note known to mankind, Ariana.
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3. Ke$ha and Pitbull
UPI/Jim Ruymen Pitbull took a lot of flak for his hosting of the awards, even though he was barely on screen for most of it. Far worse was his performance on the absurd rodeo-disco track “Timber,” during which he insisted on recreating his rap and did that dance that makes him look like an overexcited seal.
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4. The Alternative Rock Category
Imagine Dragons accepts the award for top alternative rock artist. Reuters/Lucy Nicholson This year, it was an award contested by Imagine Dragons, The Lumineers and Mumford And Sons. That is what passes for alternative rock right now. Presenters Dave Grohl and Joan Jett looked faintly embarrassed even to be associated with this assortment of wimps and weaklings.
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5. Michael Bolton presenting the award for best rap/hip-hop album
Michael Bolton presents with Akon. Lester Cohen/WireImage Who let him into the building!?!?
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6. Justin Timberlake
He’s good at everything. We get it. Can you leave us alone for a little bit now please, Justin? Thanks.
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7. Florida Georgia Line featuring Nelly
Kevin Winter/Getty Images Hearing their soft, country-rock hit “Cruise” was distressing enough, but then they decided to revisit Nelly’s 2001 his “Ride Wit Me” which rapidly descended into tuneless shouting.
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8. TLC featuring Lil’ Mama
The nostalgia factor of seeing TLC getting back together earlier this year has long gone. Seeing them wheeze through “Waterfalls” with Lil’ Mama filling in for Lisa “Left Eye” Lopes was definitely a “waterfail.”
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9. Miley Cyrus
Not that her performance of “Wrecking Ball” was bad in itself. Seeing her dressed like an insane ‘80s fitness instructor as a weeping cat cried stars on the screen behind her was surreally entertaining. But after sitting through so much tripe, even that didn’t completely satisfy.
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10. The running time
Liam Payne, Zayn Malik, Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson and Niall Horan of One Direction perform onstage during the 2013 American Music Awards. Kevin Winter/Getty Images It took three hours to get this over and done with. Three hours! At least an hour of that was completely unnecessary and if Taylor Swift and Justin Timberlake were only allowed to do one acceptance speech each, the whole thing could have easily fit into a cozy 90 minutes. Don’t the AMAs realize we have better things to do on Sunday evenings? Like not listening to One Direction, for example …