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Let’s face it: New Jersey’s newest housewife, Melissa Gorga, is not going to win any “Miss Congeniality” awards.
She talks about her sister-in-law Teresa Giudice behind her back, threatening to “eat her alive.”
She espouses gratingly sexist ideas about her role as an Italian-American wife.
Perhaps worst of all, she fancies herself a talented pop singer.
But make no mistake, as one of the new cast members on Bravo’s “Real Housewives of New Jersey,” Melissa is the best thing to happen to the show since Teresa flipped a table in a drunken fit of rage two years ago.
Melissa’s high opinion of herself was apparent from the get-go this season, but she’s injected an aura of naive absurdity into a show that used to take itself way too seriously. While past feuds on “Housewives” turned downright scary, this season’s dueling sisters-in-law are entertaining to watch.
Insisting that she’s just a fun-loving Italian mom of three, Melissa does not want for attention. Whether donning her self-proclaimed “sexy-ass, hot cat outfit” on Halloween or taking an encore prance down the runway at a local fashion show, her ego elicits more smirks than groans.
The fact that she’s honored that her husband, Teresa’s younger brother Joe, gives her permission to “follow her dreams” of being a professional singer — while also insisting that she be barefoot, in the kitchen and ready for sex at all times — is the comic relief the show needs.
Melissa steadfastly defends her husband, whose ongoing spat with Teresa erupted in an embarrassing brawl at a family christening party in the show’s season premiere.
The fact is that, but for the tenuous relationship between the Gorgas and the Giudices, the drama on “Housewives” this season would have been all but nonexistent. As uncomfortable to watch as it was, the christening blowup somehow felt like a breath of reconditioned catering-hall air.
Teresa claims Melissa drove a wedge between her and her brother, and that Melissa is horribly jealous of her D-list “Housewives” notoriety. Melissa contends that Teresa has become more interested in fame than in family.
Perhaps this is for the best. It detracts from the downright creepy relationship between Teresa and her brother, who constantly describe their former relationship — as siblings, mind you — as “very close.” Joe Gorga even explained that “the Gorgas are a very sexual family,” and that he and Teresa were once “unseparable.”
If Melissa drove a wedge between these two, let’s just say that we’re all better off.
But please, give us more Gorga Thanksgiving celebrations with shots of liquor and mechanical bulls in the front yard.
Please, more songs where Melissa garbles the words — including the now-classic “. . . that saved a wench like me” from “Amazing Grace,” sung from deep within the recesses of her apartment-sized walk-in closet.
Please let this uncomfortable brother-sister-wife triangle of “ick” give us a few more weeks of angst. From the look of things, it seems that Teresa and Melissa will be fighting for Joe’s affections for the rest of the season.
As Melissa would say, “Thank you, Jesus.”
— Nicole Homewood writes the weekly “Real Housewives” recap for nypost.com.