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FIXER UPPER:Mama Maria’s

FIXER UPPER:Mama Maria’s

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It’s billed as a festive restaurant reopening, but it’s really more of a cross between waiting at the Department of Motor Vehicles and being at a wedding where everyone has to pretend that Liza has finally found Mr. Right.

Welcome to the relaunch of Mama Maria’s restaurant and its conjoined twin, Sal’s Pizza in Brooklyn’s Cobble Hill, the latest perfect storm for Gordon Ramsay’s take-no-prisoners makeover show, “Kitchen Nightmares.”

Business is bad.

The Board of Health closed it down for a week in 2011, and neighborhood hipsters say that everything about it is dated.

There’s enough family drama to fill an hour on “Dr. Phil,” and the “fiery Brit travels to Brooklyn to read Italians the riot act about how to make Italian food” angle could turn out to be very Woody Allen — or Martin Scorsese.

The Esposito family bought the place in 1970. It’s current 52-year-old boss, John Esposito, took over the business in 1990 and renamed the pizza shop after his dad.

He then opened the more formal Mama Maria’s restaurant in 1996 in honor of his mother who died of cancer.

“He’s had his head in the pizza oven for too long” jokes executive producer Arthur Smith, who is quick to acknowledge that Ramsay and the entire production staff have fallen in love with Esposito and his family.

Smith says the bar has been set high on this one: They have an Italian restaurant that makes “fresh pasta” that it freezes and serves with frozen meatballs.

The restaurant’s interior was a bigger train wreck than usual.

Ramsay and the show have been filming at Mama Maria since last Wednesday.

While a dry run for customers is always scheduled for the night before opening, Ramsay decides that everything about the service and the food is still a mess.

The Post was invited to the portion of the final night of shooting where Ramsay sees if the owner has followed his suggestions and if diners are happy with the food, service and new decor.

All of the behind-the-scenes drama leading up to — and following — the opening-night dinner won’t be seen until the show is broadcast sometime in September.

The show puts out an all-points bulletin for potential diners to sign up via e-mail.

The restaurant is prevented from taking its own reservations, partly to prevent them from stacking the place with loyalists who’ll say “awesome” every time a camera is near them — and partly because failing places like Mama Maria’s often can’t find more than a handful of people to show up, even with the promise of getting on TV.

The guests on Saturday night are decidedly young and very savvy about what is expected from diners on the show. Not everyone is seated at once.

“Keep your conversations to yourselves” admonishes a staffer as people are finally seated.

People patiently wait for the food to come and make sure not to point when Ramsay is reading the riot act to Esposito and the serving staff — or at the graphics that have been hung crookedly during the marathon, overnight face lift.

You can almost hear a pin drop in the dining room when three out four people at a table get their entrees.

Ramsay and the camera crew swoop in to cover the offense, lecture the staff and apologize to the diners.

Just then, people begin quietly chatting with people at other tables, talking about the food, the slowness, and “Where’s the offer of cheese and fresh pepper for the pasta?”

There is a rumor that someone simply left after waiting an hour for a pizza.

Ramsay makes more of an effort to chitchat with diners and all seems to be wrapping up when most of the lights go out. They go back on and off again until the problem is traced to the coffee maker that was suddenly turned on. Apparently nobody orders or is offered coffee for dessert until some guy randomly asks for it.

Checks are paid and everyone smiles and says thanks without fawning over Ramsay.

Guest diners learn their lesson — eat a bit of something ahead of time and go with someone you know and like.