Entertainment

Broken ‘Rules’

Well, that’s a half hour of my life I’ll never get back.

I’ll admit that I didn’t have high hopes for “Southie Rules,” A&E’s more domesticated answer to “Jersey Shore” premiering this Tuesday night at 10.

I figured this reality series, centered around a South Boston family with the usual assortment of “characters” — including the mom and her “secret recipe” meatballs (really?), gruff-yet-bemused dad and bickering siblings — would play like the thousands of other “quirky” shows in the genre.

To quote the late Ed McMahon: “You are correct, sir!”

There’s nothing remotely interesting — in a “Why would I watch that again?” way — about the Niedzwiecki family, around whom “Southie Rules” is slapped together. They seem like nice enough people, and A&E apparently thinks they’re destined for some level of TV stardom, since it’s lavished big bucks on a fancy press kit, which includes a glossary of Southie Vernacular.

(I keep thinking of those old “Saturday Night Live” skits with Jimmy Fallon and Rachel Dratch as a lovey-dovey teenaged Southie couple, complete with those exaggerated Boston accents.)

In addition to the Niedzwieckis — mom Camille, dad Walter, oldest sister Leah and younger brothers Jon and Matt — the show features Matt’s live-in girlfriend, Jenn (they have a baby together), Leah’s husband, Jarod and Jon’s girlfriend, Jessica.

There’s also Devin, the bearded, burly “live-in best friend” whose presence in the crowded, three-story house (there are 10 people in all) is never explained (at least not in Tuesday’s opener).

About the only interesting element in “Southie Rules” is its clever use of subtitles. Jon, for instance, is “inexplicably confident” about raising money to pay a bill, while Devin and Jon, who spend lots of time together, are “not dating, just together.” When Jenn and Matt pull some obviously scripted hijinks involving Camille’s meatballs, “they have a kid together” suddenly flashes on the screen — a knowing wink to viewers. Read between the lines on that one.

All in all, most of the “Southie Rules” premiere plays like a local dinner-theater production — like something Christopher Guest and his talented troupe (“This Is Spinal Tap,” “A Mighty Wind,” “Best in Show,” “For Your Consideration”) would send up with glee. And maybe, someday, they will.

To use some Southie Vernacular, I would just book it (“run as fast as you can”) from this wicked (“very”) mediocre show which appears destined for the TV barrel (“trashcan”).