There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who revel in the Dutch side of St. Martin, and those who dig its French half.
Team Dutch loves party-prone “Sint Maarten” for its casinos (14 of them), shopping, nightclubs, XL resorts and triple-X Eastern European rent-a-gals working the poles.
Frenchers, on the other hand, prefer the (seemingly) more sterile and mellower “Saint-Martin,” where coffee sipping is done all the live long day, villas and boutique hotels do the sheltering, casinos number in the zeros (they’re illegal here), and its green-for-days hills remain largely undeveloped (hey, look, cows! — just don’t get too chummy, they’ll likely be “royales with cheese” next time you guys meet).
Ohhh, right — there’s also a third type of person: those that know how to enjoy both. (Psst, that’s about to be you!) This isn’t a case like Hispaniola, where the sorta-haves (Dominican Republic) border on the definitely-have-nots (Haiti). Here, each side is a thriving chip off its respective European block, capable of making it on its own — and yes, a feisty sibling rivalry exists between them, no doubt about it.
But the brothers Martin are conjoined siblings, whether they like it or not, and have been since the swinging 1640s. And since two heads are better than one when trying to compete for your tourism scratch, double-dipping on your part is mandatory, soldier.
There’s no need to play favorites. Both have their charms, both their downsides. And they’re not always at odds: both take US dollars, offer right-side driving and sport nude beaches — so if the St. Martin bronemies can find common ground, there’s hope for the Mideast, yet! It really just comes down to time of day: the Dutch side is for night owls, and the French caters to the people of the sun, is a good rule of thumb. Here, a quick intro to which side, when.
Where to stay
Winner: Dutch side
The all-inclusive, recently reno’d Sonesta Maho Beach Resort is not winning an invite into Relais & Châteaux anytime soon. But that’s OK — it’s not trying to. The largest resort on the island is also the most fun, prioritizing full-bottle booze in its 534 rooms’ anything-but-mini minibars, a casino in the lobby and operating an even bigger casino/club across the way over anything resembling fancy-pantsness.
Flip down those sunglasses from high atop your scalp and head outside where you’ll find Sheryl manning the poolside bar — her lipstick is amaranthine, her smile mischievous, her hands always busy shaking up drinks and her wit’s disarming enough to tame the most obnoxious swim-up springbreaker. Tip her well, then order the wings at the Palms Grill (from $144). If you want to be a little nearer the Dutch side’s capital, Philipsburg — or better yet, just some place away from the airport — Maho’s half-her-size sister property, Sonesta Great Bay, is more upscale and has a new oceanfront pizzeria (from $154). Whichever Sonesta you choose, you’re going to want to eat their pizza.
What to do
Winner: French side
While the “Jackass” guys are always good role models for American tourists on vacation, there’s more to do on St. Martin than standing behind the gate at the airport and getting blown back by the jet engines (YouTube it).
Like, say, hidden away up in them thar hills of the French side, at the foot of the island’s tallest mountain, Pic Paradis. There you’ll find the weird and way-off-the-grid Loterie Farm nature reserve — a spa/yoga/multi-zip line course (the extremist of which you literally can’t quit once you start)/VIP cabana/DJ-helmed pool club/daybed/treelounge/coy pond/hiking oasis spanning 135 acres. What was once a sugar plantation (when the slaves were freed on the French side in 1857, one went all Django on his former owner, we were told) is easily the most interesting place on the entire island.
Where to eat
Winner: Dutch side
We’re not trying to be contrarian when we say that the French side isn’t where you’ll find the island’s best restaurant — believe you me, they have plenty of runners up over there in the French side capital of Marigot alone that could easily reclaim the title on any given day.
But Bajatzu Bar & Grill, a sleek, NYC steakhouse-ish joint in the Dutch side’s Maho Village, holds a special place in our hearts — er, since the cholesterol from its bodacious Burger Bar fare continues to literally hold a place in our hearts. Totally worth it! Wash those 8-oz., black angus, somehow-only-$9 puppies down with alternating swigs of lychee martinis and Heinekens and you’re having yourself one helluva good end to your day.
Where to beach
Winner: French side
Once upon a time, the best beach on St. Martin was hippie-colonized Cupecoy on the Dutch west side. But then some rich guys came and destroyed it, replacing it with an ugly monstrosity called the Blue Mall. So off to the French side we go. On the other, funner side of a B&E-plagued gated community built in the ‘90s (yes, this is a big-boy island with big-boy problems) you’ll find the windy, blizzardy-white sands of two-mile-long Orient Bay, on the island’s upper east coast. It’s always packed, especially on Sundays, for good reason: there’s a marine reserve, tons of water sports, beach clubs, beach chair food/drink service, live music stages, boutique hotels. And just in case you forgot that this is the French side, just look over there — naked people! Way naked. No wonder this famously clothing-optional beach (and why opt for?) is also home to the island’s sole nudist resort, Club Orient — which, FYI, in this neck of the woods is considered a kid-friendly “family retreat.” Your son will be saying, “Vive la France” in no time!
Info: At least the two sides can share a common website . . . psych, you wish! Here’s how you can find the French side; and here’s the Dutch.