Sex & Relationships

Bros hit new lows with auto-messaging app

So this is what it’s come to in dating culture? There’s now an app that will save you the time and trouble of texting your girlfriend and just do it for you automatically.

The new BroApp costs $1.99 and works by sending a random message to your significant other once a day. The idea is that this will free up bros to spend more time with other bros, instead of wasting time communicating with their old ladies.

I took BroApp for a test spin, and my advice: Save your money.

Never mind the actual functionality of the app — although we’ll get to that. By using this, you’ll pretty much be guaranteeing the extinction of all human social interaction.

Okay, maybe that’s a slight exaggeration, but the BroApp probably doesn’t do much to enhance human sociability.

To be clear, no one is so busy that he has to enlist a computer program to send a text. No one. Not me, not you, not the president. Not even Justin Bieber. It takes five seconds, and remember this: Text messages have already taken the place of phone conversations, which took the place of face-to-face conversations. How much more can we truncate our interaction? Where did all that time we’ve already saved not talking to each other go?

But even if you wanted to save a few minutes, BroApp is probably not the way to do it. It’s hard to imagine that anyone would treat it as anything other than a joke.

It allows the user to choose five text messages from a longer list that will be sent out randomly each day. Options include, “I’m having an awesome day,” “Can’t wait to see you tonight,” and some sort of emoticon I couldn’t quite make out. A wink? Was it a bear’s face? A coat of arms? I’m really not sure.

Some of the other texts are dotted with weirdly specific language that should get you found out by your lady after a single text. One message uses “darl,” an abbreviation for darling, presumably.

The missive my phone decided to send to my wife at 4:40 p.m. on a Thursday read, “Hey babe, whats doing with you today?”

First off, I’ve never called my wife “babe” before, and I’ve certainly never written it. I’ve also never, ever, in the entirety of my life used the phrase “whats doing.”

But the strange thing was, she wrote back as if nothing was amiss. I was horrified. Does she not even know me? Has she confused me with the kind of guy who would write “whats doing” — and not put in the apostrophe?

My God, our life together is a total sham.

When I prodded her about the text later, she thought the text’s tone was a bit off, but she just attributed that to me being busy or having made a mistake. She didn’t think much of it.

In other words, the BroApp fooled her. We’re all doomed.