How many times — and how many ways — can they tell you to turn off your cellphone?
As it turns out, plenty, often to no avail. Since the onslaught of mobile devices — and Laurence Fishburne’s profanity-laced tirade some 15 years ago, when he stopped “The Lion in Winter” mid-climax to lash out at nonstop ringing in the crowd — theaters have tried, in so many ways, to get our attention.
But ringing, vibrating phones — and texting — are as irritating as ever. At off-Broadway’s “Natasha, Pierre and the Great Comet of 1812” the other night, one irate theatergoer actually seized his neighbor’s phone and threw it across the room.
As David Letterman recently pointed out, there’s no Tony Award for best cellphone announcement — yet. But there should be. Here are some recent favorites culled from productions on Broadway and off. But cleverness takes us only so far. So please: Turn off your phones!
‘KINKY BOOTS’
A preshow, onstage performance by Daniel Stewart Sherman, who plays a burly Cockney factory worker named Don:
“Oi. I can’t talk now. Got to get to work. — Because it’s time to get to work. — No, I can’t text you. No calls. No texts. No photos of any kind. And none of that annoying vibratin’. Who’s the lonely wanker who come up with the idea that vibratin’ is silent?”
(He takes in the audience with a menacing look.)
“So I’m understood? (Back to his friend) All right then. Powering down now. Ring you at the break. Cheers!”
‘THE BIG KNIFE’
Recorded announcement delivered by Richard Kind, the show’s heavy:
“Hello, and welcome to the Roundabout Theatre Company . . . At Roundabout, every story we tell, every production we mount — is about you.
“But it’s also about the person next to you, and we challenge you to collectively make it through this performance without a single cellphone going off . . .
“And if you have any hard candies, please, suck them with the wrapper on. Enjoy the show.”
‘CUFF ME: THE FIFTY SHADES OF GREY MUSICAL PARODY’
“Silence all your cellphones, and if it vibrates, by all means put it between your legs.”
‘THE RASCALS: ONCE UPON A DREAM’
Recorded announcement by producer and erstwhile “Soprano” star Steven Van Zandt:
“Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. ‘Once Upon a Dream’ runs two hours without an intermission, so our merchandise stand will stay open in the lobby after the show. If you have a cellphone, please leave it on. Take as many pictures as wish. Tweet them, Facebook them, e-mail them; we don’t care. In fact, tonight, do whatever the f – – k you want.”