I just saw “Metallica Through The Never” in IMAX, and now I feel like stealing a car or strangling some kittens. They handed out earplugs at the screening. “Save ’em for the next Nicholas Sparks movie,” I said. Earplugs are not metal!!!
I’ve got this slight ringing in my ears, or maybe it’s a roaring, can you hear it, too? The band is Metallica, but the audience is megadef.
So the guys do their hits on a giant stage pulsing with sick images while a roadie played by Dane Dehaan, that creepy kid from “Chronicle,” goes outside to drive around the streets on a mysterious mission. Nightmare scenes flash everywhere. Skulls! Flameballs! Corpses dangling in the night! An electric chair! I’ve never felt so alive!!
This movie is basically “Spinal Tap” minus the jokes. Two of the band members have the word “Metallica” emblazoned on their clothing. Metallica — it’s the band that has to remind fans whom they’re watching!
James Hetfield croaks out lyrics about bleakness and destruction. The man sounds like a meth-enraged cookie monster. Lars Ulrich creams the drums. Kirk Hammett and Robert Trujillo shred the guitar and bass. This band makes Pearl Jam sound like ‘N Sync.
Everyone snarls and bares their teeth. Grrr! What’s everyone so angry about? These dudes are freaking quintillionaires! I was mad once too, but I was 15. Now I’m not a virgin anymore!!!!
The fans seem really into it though! They make the devil’s-horns sign while pumping their right arms in the air. It’s like a moron Nuremberg! There’s a song about justice, and this giant fake stone statue of Blind Lady Justice gets assembled piece by piece with cranes! It was kinda like in “Spinal Tap” when they bring down the 18-inch Stonehenge! Only this one’s cool cause it’s really freaking huge!
Black, black, black. This is the sound of black. Not real black, like tragic stuff, but poseur black. Black t-shirts. Black knuckle tats. It gets to be samey. It gets to be bland. It’s generic. It’s Vanillaca!
Out in the street scenes, stuff is getting surreal. There’s a vengeance-minded horseman in a gas mask. There are rioters getting beaten by cops. This DeHaan character douses himself with gasoline and lights a match. Then an angry crowd whales on him with batons! Violence — so metal!!!
Toward the end, the stage starts to crumble. Metal girders fall down everywhere, a guy in flames starts running madly past the band. I kept thinking the only logical ending to the show would be if Metallica actually blew themselves up. Then I remembered what Daffy Duck said about that: “I can only do it once!”