Dolphins are evil. Sea otters are evil. Penguins are really, really evil.
In fact, look up any animal in the encyclopedia. If you think it’s adorable, it’s probably evil. That’s the cynical attitude we were left with after reading this article from Slate, which methodically crushed our naive assumptions about the world’s cutest animals.
Let’s start with dolphins. You probably think of the dolphin as a cheerful, harmless version of the shark.
Actually, dolphins are vicious gang rapists who kill their own babies, along with the babies of other species, and occasionally try to have sex with human swimmers. They have even been known to use young sharks as volleyballs.
Slate also dismantled the unjustifiably clean reputation of the sea otter. Male otters have developed a bad habit of humping and fatally wounding baby seals in their desperation to mate, sometimes continuing to have sex with the seals up to a week after killing them.
Not that sex between consenting otters is much better. Males often kill females from their own species by biting their faces during sex.
That said, these crimes pale in comparison to the atrocities committed by Adelie penguins. Male penguins mate with other males, injured females, lost chicks and corpses. The most desperate penguins even try to mate with the ground, Slate reports.
In one scientific study, researchers set out a dead penguin which had been frozen in its mating posture. The males found this corpse “irresistible”.
Then the scientists placed “just the frozen head of a the penguin” on a rock, just to see how far the male penguins were willing to go. They weren’t deterred.
Brian Switek, who wrote the Slate article, was careful to stress that we shouldn’t judge animals by human standards.
That’s a fair point. Even so, we’ll never look at penguins or dolphins the same way again.
This story originally appeared on News.com.au.