NOT to spoil the fall season for you, but there’s a rumor that there will be at least one new show in which the premiere episode will not open with a couple either having sex, about to have sex or just finishing having sex.
“Gary Unmarried,” CBS’ new sitcom hitting a TV screen near you tonight, is not that show.
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The “Gary” producers chose to open with choice number three (post-coitus) featuring the aforementioned Gary (Jay Mohr), a housepainter, examining the butt tattoo of Vanessa (Jaime King), whose condo he’s painting and with whom he is having what they both assume is a one-night affair.
Call me too artsy, but for me there’s nothing as classy as the butt tattoo exam for a premiere episode.
Or this kind of dialogue: “I know, it’s slutty,” says Vanessa about the butt tattoo.
“You’re not a slut!” Gary protests.
“I just spent the night with a guy I hired to paint my condo!” she replies.
“That would make you more of a whore,” he side-splittingly retorts.
But before Gary gets the rest of his one-liners out, his front door opens and in comes his pesky-though-sassy teen kids. Wait a cotton pickin’ minute, Vanessa harrumphs – he has a family he never told her about?
The kids, who are unappealingly written, include Tom (Ryan Malgarini), and politically correct Louise (Kathryn Newton). She is not, repeat not, the modern-day equivalent of Michael J. Fox’s Alex P. Keaton (“Family Ties“), the conservative rebel in a liberal family.
Then there’s Gary’s ex-wife, Allison (Paula Marshall), a rules-oriented woman who must remind Gary which kid gets Ginkgo before bed. Why a kid would need an herb usually used to treat Alzheimer’s, I can’t say.
Anyway, Gary thinks he’s falling for Vanessa, and feels he must tell his ex that he’s broken their rule and started dating before their agreed-upon time period. She immediately fesses up that she herself is engaged – to their marriage counselor, Walter! That would be Ed Begley Jr.
Within minutes, Walter and Vanessa are both in Gary’s house and Walter and Allison are giving Gary and Vanessa relationship advice.
Turns out Vanessa has a young son, too, but apparently it’s not necessary for her to have told Gary that – even though he was supposed to tell her about his kids.
On the up side, some of the one-liners are quite funny.
On the downside, a lot of the show just doesn’t work no matter how hard Mohr works it.
“Gary Unmarried”
Tonight at 8:30 on Ch. 2