Vampires are everywhere, and not just ’cause it’s Halloween.
From “True Blood” to “Twilight” mania, they’ve seeped into my brain, so I see the world through bloodsucker-tinted glasses.
“My old boyfriend won’t stop e-mailing me with all his latest accomplishments,” a friend of mine complained the other day.
“Oh, total emotional vampire,” I say. “He wants to suck all your girlfriend support out of you, even though you’re not his girlfriend anymore.”
Which made me realize . . . this monster-as-metaphor for boyfriends is actually pretty apt.
What kind of emotional monster are you dating?
Emotional Chewbacca — Aw, this guy’s a sweetie. Silent, lovable. It’s hard to break up with the big lug.
* Emotional Werewolf — The guy who changes with the flip of a switch, suddenly becomes a jerk-hole.
* Emotional Loch Ness — You swear to your friends he’s so great, but they’ve never seen it.
* Emotional Swamp Thing — Not great to look at, but even worse: constantly turning the most seemingly ruin-proof evening into a swampy, bad-time mess.
* Emotional Chupacabra — Sucks your will to live but has that sexy “X-Files” vibe about him.
* Emotional Martian — Entertainingly so different from you, but when it comes right down to it, he’s missing the “sensitivity chip,” as Ms. Aniston might say.
Emotional Creature From the Black Lagoon — He’s basically got two empathic tricks: crying and quoting Morrissey lyrics.
* Emotional Bigfoot — Stinky, outdoorsy, always cancels last-minute. Huge, huge . . . ego.
Emotional Godzilla — Angry, building-destroying temper, and yet sometimes? He’ll save the day and take you out for sushi.
* Emotional Yeti — Like Emotional Bigfoot, except you hook up with him on a ski trip.
mstadtmiller@nypost.com