Simon Cowell can declare once a day, every day, for the next year that he didn’t know he was quitting “American Idol” until the day before the ninth-season debut last night.
But you’d have to be Ray Charles not to have seen in the first two minutes of the opener that the guy was lying like a Tiger Woods’ mistress.
MORE: SIMON: I DIDN’T WANT VIEWERS TO GET SICK OF ME
Seriously, who can really buy that story? If the producers didn’t know, they wouldn’t have put so much of the focus on Kara DioGuardi — as though she were the one who was going to save the show.
Clue: No!
Kara’s no Paula; she lacks Paula’s heart — and Simon, an entertainment genius, knows he has zero chemistry with her. They didn’t have much last year, and there’s less now.
God only knows what’s going to happen when the newest fourth judge — Ellen “I have no musical background other than dancing on my show” DeGeneres — shows up later in the season.
Simon may not even bother to come to work at all. We may not show up to watch.
And who can blame him or us?
The producers screwed up the magic last year when they brought on a fourth judge. When that happened, the laughter and camaraderie were sucked out of the room like they’d attached a fun vacuum pump to the whole proceedings.
Even the horrible singer wannabes on last night’s show — which was taped last summer — weren’t making us laugh. That’s because Simon, the unnamed leader, was so bored, he looked like he was miserable.
If Randy wasn’t on hand with his silly secret laughter, head shakes and generally good-guyness, the whole thing would have devolved into one horribly unhappy night.
Hellooo!! The audition process is where we’re supposed to get the giant laughs. Where were the William Hungs, the “She Bangs?” Where was Simon putting an exclamation point on the good, the bad and the horrible?
That Simon has nothing but disdain for Kara, for the whole process — and worse, us viewers — was painfully evident when he got up and walked out of the audition, shaking his head in total disgust.
That move forced forgotten-guy Randy to walk out, too, allowing the auditioner who’d sung a forgettable rendition of “Yesterday” to get a golden ticket with only two votes — those of Kara and guest judge Victoria Beckham.
All that said, the highest paid man in TV is not being fair to the 35 million or so viewers on America’s most-watched show.
No matter how unhappy he is with the current situation, he owes us more than he’s giving. He’s turned into an empty T-shirt.
I turned on the show wondering whether Cowell’s announcement Monday was utter disdain for producer Simon Fuller or yet another brilliant ratings maneuver on Cowell’s part.
The answer? Disdain — for all of us.