Entertainment

Thy neighbor’s wife

Teresa Giudice, Jacqueline Laurita and Caroline Manzo take their friend Dolores Catania (third from left) shopping. (Andrei Jackamets/Bravo)

The “Housewives” laugh, for a change, as they enjoy a meal with family and friends. (Andrei Jackamets/Bravo)

(
)

You can pick your friends, but you can’t pick your family.

That saying rings truer than ever on the premiere of “The Real Housewives of New Jersey.” In the first five minutes of the show, viewers will witness a vicious fight at The Manor, a reception hall in West Orange. The fight is not between two women, as is usually the case on this shriekfest, but between a brother and a sister. At a family christening. Histrionic “Housewife” Teresa Giudice comes over to the table where her brother, Joe

Gorga, is sitting with his wife, Melissa, and their friends. Before she can utter the word “Congratulations,” Joe, who is two years younger, lashes out at her, calling her “garbage.” A stunned Teresa tries to find out what’s wrong but Joe pounds the table and all of a sudden, it’s a free-for-all. The men are up, shoving each other. The women are braying at each other behind them.

Did we mention this takes place at the christening of the Gordas’ newborn, Joey?

“I was screaming at the cameras to get out of my son’s christening,” says Melissa, who insists there were no retakes for the sake of the production. “I didn’t sleep for three days. I was devastated.”

The “Housewives” franchise thrives on brawls of this kind, slugfests that bring out the worst in everyone, whether they are related or barely know each other. Who can forget the end of season one when Teresa upended a table at another formal occasion and called “Housewife” Danielle Staub a “prostitution whore.”

When Melissa Gorga, one of two new “Housewives” this season, watched that moment on the television in her own home, she says, “My husband and I were both gasping for air.” She told her husband, “Now the whole world is going to think you’re crazy as she is. He said, ‘Unbelievable. I can’t believe I have to go work tomorrow.’”

The Gorgas, who live in a 15,000 square ft. home in Montville, were not so mortified by Teresa’s histrionics that they turned down the chance to join the show. After all, what better platform for Melissa to launch her career as a singer? “You’re going to see my journey to stardom,” she says. (Let’s hope she sounds better that New York “Housewife” Countess LuAnn de Lesseps, whose single “Money Can’t Buy You Class” was unspeakably dreadful.)

In the scenario for this season in New Jersey, which was taped last fall, it looks like Melissa and Teresa are the enemies.

“Melissa is my sister-in-law and we’re not exactly best friends,” Teresa hints ominously to the camera.

Says Melissa of her sister-in-law in the first episode, “That bitch will never miss a party, especially if someone else is paying for it.”

Since the “Housewife” franchise rewards greater camera time to the women who are the most outrageous, Melissa has a shot at becoming this season’s breakout star. With statements like “I was always told: be a wife is a cook in the kitchen, a lady in the parlor and a whore in the bedroom,” she can certainly shock Bravo’s target viewer.

She has an ally in her husband’s first cousin, Kathy Wakile, who lives in Wayne, NJ, with her husband, Rich, and their two teenaged children. “I’m very friendly with Kathy,” Melissa says. “We just clicked. She’s a little older than me. I tend to call her for advice.”

While Melissa declares to the camera, “I tend to be very spoiled,” Kathy doesn’t self-anoint. In fact, she seems normal: she rides her bike to do grocery shopping and asks her 15-year old son, Joseph, when she finds him playing with knives in his bedroom, “Why can’t you collect stamps?”

Kathy believes the bitterness between Teresa and Joe goes way back. “It’s about not communicating what you’re truly feeling when you put those emotions away and you don’t discuss them,” she says.

Even with all the drama in the first episode, Kathy defends her family. “We’re very passionate people. We love. We cry. We feel sorry. We get angry,” she says.

And sometimes the “Housewives” get in trouble. The new season addresses the Giudices’ filing for bankruptcy (Joe Giudice’s subsequent arrest in March 2011 for fraudulently trying to obtain a state driver’s license happened after production was completed). Still, with an eye to branding herself like Bethenny Frankel, Teresa manages to crank out a cookbook of old family recipes while Joe works in a pizzeria.

Fellow “Housewife” Caroline Manzo deals with empty nest syndrome as her two sons, Albert and Christopher, lease an apartment in Hoboken. Jacqueline Laurita, the fifth housewife, has minor parental issues with her daughter Ashley Holmes, an intern for publicist Lizzie Grubman who wants to live on her own.

If they want more camera time, they’d better start fighting — preferably with each other.

Out with the old

Danielle Staub

Staub’s departure was announced at the end of last season. The most toxic of the “Housewives,” Staub spent her time fighting with everyone, especially Teresa Giudice.

Dina Manzo

The younger sister of “Housewife” Caroline Manzo, Dina opted to leave the show last season rather than deal with Danielle Staub.

In with the new

Melissa Gorga

Melissa is the sister-in-law of “Housewife” Teresa; she’s married to Teresa’s brother, Joe. The Gorgas live in Montville, NJ, and have three kids: Antonia, 5, Gino, 3, and Joey, 11 months.

Kathy Wakile

Kathy is the first cousin of “Housewife” Teresa Giudice and Joe Gorga. She and her husband, Rich, live in Wayne, NJ with their children, Victoria, 17, and Joseph, 15.