Celebutards. They eat, sleep and breed just like ordinary humans. But at some point between the moment a movie script wanders into the hands of a world-class celebutard such as George Clooney, and the words travel through lilting vocal chords and land on unsuspecting ears, something terrible occurs.
Andrea Peyser’s 5 Worst Celebutards
A dull thinker such as Madonna becomes a self-appointed sage. Sean Penn boldly breaks bread with tyrants and enemies of his country, and vapid pop singer Sheryl Crow calls for rationing toilet paper to one sheet per sitting.
Celebutards have long been my obsession, as well as my curse. I can’t fathom why intelligent people can’t be bothered to vote, yet they well know the political ravings of a Michael Moore, and trust the World Trade Center conspiracy theories of a Rosie O’Donnell. With time and attention, these wackos only gain power and credibility. In an age when fabulousness is too often mistaken for gravitas, we must be vigilant. We must know the difference between philosophers and blowhards, between Soren Kierkegaard and Susan Sarandon. We must know our celebutards.
Here are five of my favorites. Chose your own!
BRANGELINA
They go together. Like Hollywood and glamour. Tattoos and body piercings. Like celebutards and their mission to save the planet. They are Angelina Jolie, the bisexual, blood-obsessed, brother-kissing Illustrated Woman who could badly use a sandwich, and Brad Pitt, the Angelina-obsessed hunk who could badly use a shave.
Brad and Angie set out to create a village, and they did – ignoring homegrown orphans to accumulate an international brood. “I think we’ll crap out somewhere between seven and nine children,” Brad told Charlie Rose.
BARBRA STREISAND
In the celebutard field, there exists stiff competition for the title Dumbest Woman Alive. On her Web site, Babs mixed up “Iran” and “Irag” – as she spelled it. At Madison Square Garden she dressed down a heckler with the words, “Shut the f – – – up!” For all this and more, she wins the title.
BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN
I used to believe in Bruce Springsteen. I also used to believe in the Tooth Fairy, the Easter Bunny and Hanukkah Harry. Bruce’s song “41 Shots” condemned the tragic, but mistaken, shooting of African immigrant Amadou Diallo by cops. “I consider it an outrage that he would be trying to fatten his wallet by reopening the wounds of this tragic case,” said Patrolmen’s Benevolent Association president Patrick Lynch.
AL GORE
It may appear problematic to include Gore with celebutards such as Paris Hilton. Gore served as vice president. Paris served time. But each won fame, fortune and the best restaurant tables due to his fawning entrée into Hollywood.
As Gore’s movie, “An Inconvenient Truth” – an exaggerated global-warming fantasy masquerading as a documentary – won an Oscar, realize that one should do as Gore says, not as he does. Gore’s Nashville estate was drinking electricity and natural gas at a rate 20 times the national average.
OPRAH WINFREY
The most powerful woman in America was not born rich or royal. Host of the highest rated daytime talk show in TV history, Oprah wields the power to move merchandise and elect presidents. To make life worth living. She is Oprah. She is our queen.
Oprah has called this her “crash” moment – when she suffered unspeakable racism. It came when Oprah was denied entry, 15 minutes past closing time, at the Hermes boutique in Paris, where signature Birkin bags start at $6,000. “Do you know who I am?” Oprah barked. The store apologized. It won’t discriminate against Oprah again.
Post columnist Andrea Peyser is the author of “Celebutards: The Hollywood Hacks, Limousine Liberals and Pandering Politicians Who are Destroying America” (Kensington), out this week.