BYE-BYE, AT&T. Hasta la vista, Speedo!
What’s that burning aroma I smell? That’s millions of dollars in endorsement deals bursting into flames faster than Michael Phelps’ bong pipe.
I sure hope it was a nice buzz. It’ll be his last.
Phelps, with his unnaturally fish-like body and shy grin, sold himself as a squeaky-clean, all-American savior after winning so much gold in last summer’s Beijing Olympics, the Treasury Department could ask for a bailout.
But next year, we’ll be munching on Frosted Flakes pitched by someone smarter and even faster than he. Someone able to pass a random drug test.
Phelps has added his name to a long list of rich, arrogant, dimwitted celebrity jocks who just can’t live up to their hype. He was photographed at a South Carolina college party sucking on a large water pipe containing a substance that definitely was not tobacco.
Evidently, water got in his ears and sloshed around his brain. A man who makes potentially a hundred million in endorsement deals as a pitchman for products that pay big bucks for wholesome images – the dude sells Kellogg’s cereal, for God’s sake! – should have the self-control to refrain from public intoxication, and the endorsement of illicit substances.
But when Phelps’ handlers learned that Britain’s News of the World was to run the damning snaps, they tried to bribe the paper – with advertisements, parties, everything except marijuana plants.
Phelps did not mention the attempted cover-up in a statement yesterday, in which he blamed his bong usage on being a kid.
“I’m 23 years old, and despite the successes I’ve had in the pool, I acted in a youthful and inappropriate way,” he said.
Where I come from, 23 is a full-fledged adult.
The ad world doesn’t think his confession will float him out of the hole.
“It’s like Paris Hilton drinking milk – it hurts the brand,” said Jon Bond, co-chairman of the Kirshenbaum Bond + Partners advertising agency. “I think it’s gonna kill him.”
Adman Jerry Della Femina said, “It’s going to cost him.”
Said independent brand consultant Dean Crutchfield, “He achieved the highest anyone could ever get – no pun intended. But now, he seems to be getting higher. Illegal drugs and gold medals don’t match. He’s going to lose his deals.”
The public is sick and tired of wealthy, self-important jerks.
Michael Phelps can be replaced.