THE fine people of your New York Post have come to me to find the solution to our national dilemma regarding the proposed cutback of mail service to five days a week.
This, of course, makes eminent sense, because as Newman, I was known as one of America’s premier ersatz mail carriers. (I guess John Ratzenberger was unavailable.)
Nevertheless. I digress. What would Newman do? That is what we all ask ourselves on an almost daily basis.
Well, first I think it’s important to understand that Newman never delivered the mail on six consecutive days in his life.
The cost in footwear alone would have been enormous.
He would be firmly against the five-day week, which would be an increase in his schedule that would seem draconian.
“Must I brave the elements continually just so that geriatrics can get their precious coupons? I think not!” he would say.
So as not to startle the populace with this change in service, Newman would have advocated his own contribution to the shortened week: “Roll Your Own Day Off.”
One day a week, the mail carrier could rest his or her weary legs, acquaint himself with his family, stamp collect or go to a Renaissance Faire for a joint of mutton. But why announce it? People love surprises! After all, that’s what the mail is all about: the thrill of opening your box and finding out if it’s a bill, a jury summons or an ad for a nifty new adjustable bed.
If there’s something in the box every day, you lose your edge.
In conclusion, the mail carriers of this country are fine, upstanding people who work hard for a bureaucracy that rivals Stalinist Russia. They would love to be able to shop on a day when the stores are open.
Besides, any company that goes broke year after year, as the USPS supposedly has, should have closed long ago. Be thankful for its survival. And if you don’t like it, write your congressman. Just hope Newman isn’t delivering the letter.
Wayne Knight played Newman, a US Postal Service letter carrier, on the sitcom “Seinfeld” from 1992 to 1998.