It’s been awhile since anything MTV put on was so provocative as “Jersey Shore.” Which is saying a lot for a channel that founded reality TV with “The Real World” back in 1992 and brought such trashy gems as “The Osbournes” and “Rock of Love” to young and impressionable audiences.
In an age where TV execs can make a reality show based on any sort of exploitation of people acting like fools, why is “Jersey Shore” — for the hottest mess this side of the Garden State Parkway — getting a disproportionate amount of hype?
Will it leave a lasting imprint on the reality genre, à la “The Real World,” or is this just a car wreck that you can’t stop staring at until you realize you have better things to do or places to go?
MTV’s marketing efforts for the show were ramped up to match the enthusiasm of the cast, whom they promoted as the “hottest, tannest, craziest guidos” who “keep their hair high, their muscles juiced and their fists pumping all summer long!”
It worked. The buzz for the show is as loud as the reverb from the speakers pumping house music in the neon clubs the housemates frequent every night.
Fueling the ongoing controversy was a scene in which tiny Snooki’s face is seen on the receiving end of a straight-up sucker punch doled out by a man recently revealed to be Brad Ferro of Deer Park, Long Island.
Snooki reportedly suffered no serious injury, but it was jarring to watch and the network later — after a huge outcry — decided to cut the scene.
Whether you’re captivated or horrified by “Jersey Shore,” there’s no denying that there has been more action on this show than on the past 10 seasons of “The Real World.”
After moving into their summer house, the cast of eight young men and women promptly got the party started with too many drinks and a romp in the rooftop hot tub.
Snooki winds up climbing and slobbering over the boys, who do not fall prey to her unnaturally orange squishiness.
The girls are not big fans of hers either, but when Snooki decides she should leave the house early on, Sammi convinces her to stay.
In exchange for a summer of debauchery, the gang has to work at a boardwalk t-shirt shop run by their landlord. Is anyone surprised that they have trouble making it to work on time? Of course, they whine when work interferes with their “getting ready to go out” time in the evening.
Twenty-seven-year-old Mike “the Situation” makes it known that he is after Sammi “Sweetheart” and they initially seem to get along well enough.
The Situation, a self-given nickname for his carefully sculpted abs, constantly lifts up his standard-issue undershirts to show the ladies the goods and ask, “Do you love the Situation?”
But the Situation gets dissed one night when Sammi falls for muscular, protein-powder-addicted Ronnie, and they realize they have something “real” together.
Busty Jenni “JWOWW,” who has a boyfriend at home, falls for the tattooed charms of Pauly D, eventually leading to a private viewing of Pauly D’s private parts.
Pauly D even gets into a fight at the club one night, showing he’s not afraid to punch a guy who looks at him funny.
Mama’s boy Vinny gets into trouble after a night of dancing when he wakes up with pinkeye.
Snooki is constantly looking for someone to show her a little affection, regardless of how sick they get later in the evening.
Angelina spends most of her time shooing girls out of the house and takes great delight in “blocking” her male roommates from getting any action, but she was recently kicked out of the house after she refused to go to work.
This “Jersey” situation has at least another month of airtime to go.
The pride of ‘Jersey’
If the thought of actually watching this show makes you as queasy as one of Snooki’s take-home hook-ups, here’s a rundown of the cast and what you’re missing.
* Mike (“The Situation”): Sometimes things can get confusing when Mike’s nickname gets mixed into everyday parlance, like when, prior to a scrap in a bar, Pauly D says, “The Situation tells me that we might have a situation.”
The Situation thought he had something going with housemate Sammi, but when she turned her affections to Ronnie, the Situation was crestfallen.
* Jenni (“JWOWW”): Jenni and Pauly D had a “real sexual” make-out session of which she later disavows any knowledge. Pauly D surmises, “She just doesn’t want to feel like a trash bag because she has a boyfriend, and she kissed me with the tongue.” But she broke that off in a recent episode and is now on the prowl, saying she’s tired of being a “nun.”
* Pauly D: Rhode Island’s “most well-known DJ” is peppered with tattoos, including one that reads “Cadillac” down his side. He likes to get in fights with people who look at him. He orders hair gel by the bushel and has a tanning bed in his home.
Pauly D and JWOWW like to kiss each other at clubs and then try to hide the fact that they’re doing it so America will never, ever catch on to what’s happening.
* Ronnie: Ronnie totes enormous tubs of protein powders to add that extra “oomph” to his fruity cocktail creations. He tells us in the first episode that he wants to “pound out every girl in Seaside.” Over the course of the first three episodes, though, he’s softened a bit (no doubt a side effect of one of his fruit-juicy enhanced pre-party smoothies) and has decided he only wants to pound out Sammi, and after a proper date of mini-golf.
* Angelina (“Jolie”): After breaking up with her boyfriend back home and telling her boss/landlord that she wasn’t interested in working anymore, she packed everything in the garbage bags she came in with and left the house.
Angelina always felt she was too skilled to work at the Shore Store selling t-shirts. “I feel like this is beneath me. I’m a bartender. I do great things,” she said.
* Vinny: Vinny hasn’t gotten much play so far this season. It’s not for a lack of trying. “I don’t give a f– if you’re fat, you’re ugly, you’re 45 years old; I’ll dance with you,” he says. His moves are for all.
Until he wakes up with pinkeye, which everyone tells him he contracted by dancing underneath an overweight girl.
* Nicole (“Snooki/Snickers/Schnickers/Snookums”): Snooki is a spin-off series waiting to happen. She just wants a little loving at the end of the day, whether it involves a man who rebuffs her advances with vomit, or a Sapphic hot-tub episode with her lady friend.
Snookster confuses the sunrise with the sunset and wears fuzzy slippers with white string bikini bottoms.