Stay tuned, citizens of Newark. Your city is about to become to the most charismatic murder capital in the Western Hemisphere.
That’s right, the Nyets are hot on the trail of Carmelo Anthony and others from central casting in the sort of foursome operation Client Number 9 would have paid anything to get chosen into.
Think about it: In one seemingly imminent league office conference call, the Nyets would advance from wretched to relevant … and wooly Avery Johnson would become as wise as he was when he coached Dirk Nowitzki, Jason Terry and Josh Howard to 2006 Finals and the NBA’s best record the following season.
This enthralling, premature news can’t come to fruition soon enough. Friday night at the Phone Booth, Avery’s armadillos turned in the “no-est” of no-shows against those wonderful Wizards of “Take Back” Ted Leonsis.
It’s either trade every player exempting Brook Lopez for the opportunity to bring into play the nickname “Marshmelo” or swap franchises with David Stern, a better way than most to insure Chris Paul’s attendance at roll call.
Granted, after any number of false pregnancies over the last few months, there’s no guarantee Jersey, Denver, Detroit and Cleveland (and the Pacific Division) actually can arrive at a satisfactory agreement to one and all.
However, where there’s desperation, despondency and despair, teams normally never let petty impediments like 18 players, a decade’s worth of draft choices, salary cap limitations, long-term consequences and visitation rights to Beyonce, Kardashian and Sharapova queer the deal.
Should GM Billy King really round up the suspects he has been pursuing since preseason (Marshmelo, Chauncey Billups) or just started chasing (Rip Hamilton), the Nyets, for one, almost might be worth the price of admission.
How much of an appealing upgrade is this? Well, here we are on the first weekend of the NFL playoffs giving loads of newspaper space to a 10-27 NBA team.
Even chalk outlines are rising up and taking notice.
Who knows how much Avery’s straight-arm approach and genius will pay off should Corliss Williamson, Darvin Ham, Mike James, Elden Campbell, Lindsey Hunter and John Kuester rejoin forces with Billups and Hamilton?
“If Avery can’t turn this ship around, then he’s not the tiny dictator I thought he was,” Kim Jong-il e-mailed.
This just in: Mikhail Prokhorov said this will be the first step toward buying Brooklyn. Next: Get Mayor Bloomberg to ditch term limits.
* As reunions go, Amar’e Stoudemire’s return to Phoenix ranked somewhere between MacArthur going back to the Philippines and Eddy Curry going back to the fridge.
Be honest: Who among us envisioned Stoudemire elevating to such a conquering hero? Yet here is, leading his current team from formaldehyde to formidable while his old haunt is dropping like a stock after I buy it.
This is not to suggest overpaying Amar’e and all his uninsurable parts would have solved the Suns’ aches and pains, but a team with no midsection can ill-afford to be dry heaving from the hinterlands.
* After the latest incident of Grizzlie behavior at 30,000 feet, the league has decided the only gambling on team charters are ones authorized by Three Card Monty Williams.
This just in from column conscience Geoffrey Gilbert: “The Grizzlies have banned the playing of Bingo, Yahtzee, and Chutes and Ladders on all team flights.”
“Is it any wonder [O.J. Mayo] is all messed up,” column chondriac Richie Kalikow offers. “He must be awfully confused being named after a killer and a life saving clinic.”
DeAndre Jordon (20 boards in win over Nuggets) is killing Blake Griffin’s chances of ever overtaking Kevin Love for the league lead.
Lamar Odom has been the Lakers’ most consistent player — 15.6 points, 9.9 rebounds, 56.9 field-goal percentage. It will be fascinating to see if the West’s coaches will be swayed by standings or individual stats for All-Stars at the forward position.
This is the first time I’m backtracking on a career-long hardcore stance never to consider players on sub-.500 teams. The accomplishments and magnetism of Monta Ellis, Love and Griffin are too mind-boggling and crowd-pleasing not to honor.
Why would LeBron James and Derrick Rose get into any kind MVP discussion with reporters at this stage of the season? Shows what they’re really thinking about and what’s, in fact, important to them. That kind of thinking is even more twisted than Flip Saunders talking about the Wizards’ playoffs chances when they were 8-24, but at least the playoffs are indeed a team’s objective.
Tracy McGrady fell one rebound short (11 points, 11 assists) of a triple-double against the Jazz. He had six servings against the Lakers and almost every one of them elicited some form of exclamation from me. I’d forgotten how indescribably delicious his game once was and, who knows, might be again.
Stan Van Gundy says he’s not impressed with the Heatles, the Holling Stones and or Hed Zeppelin.
Soon to be hired voice-over man Ted Williams already leads the Cavs in second-chance points.
Disquieting minds want to know if Serge Ibaka was invited to participate in the Slam Dunk Contest to try to block attempts by contestants? Did the league lose Rudy Gay’s number? How exciting would J.R. Smith’s liftoff be? This is the worst invitee since Julius Erving was asked to be a judge.
peter.vecsey@nypost.com