I HEART YOU: The Creature stars in “Freakshow” and scissors-wielding wife (bottom) from “50 Ways to Leave Your Lover.” (
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Nothing says “I love you” on Valentine’s Day like sideshow freaks, felons, crazies and Krazy Glue.
Just in time for romance’s big day, two equally bizarre shows debut tomorrow night — and I may never recover. In one show, people revel in their freak, and in the other, they revel without knowing they are freaks.
First up is the absolutely laugh-out-loud-till-you-squirt-beer-from-your-nose “50 Ways to Leave Your Lover” on Investigation Discovery.
A half hour later on AMC (you’re going to need a DVR for this), there’s “Freakshow,” a reality series filmed in the real-life Venice Beach Freak Show.
If you’ve recently had a split and your ex needs punishing, I suggest you skip “50 Ways,” or you may end up sharing a cell with one of these angry ladies.
It starts with the one about the guy who cheated on his wife. With four women.
When wifey found photos on the idiot husband’s cell phone with each of them, she sought them all out to form a get-even squad. (Seriously.)
Bottom line? One got him tied up and blind-folded in a hotel room. While he was thinking kinky sex, the other four snuck in and glued his moving man part to his stomach with Krazy Glue.
Then there are the roommates who fell in love after a night at a strip club. They had it all until she went into a chronic depression, he cheated, and she decided to ram his truck with her car so many times she totaled both.
My favorite is Wade, a man who clearly cuts his own hair. No licensed hairdresser would be allowed to create a George Clooney, “ER”-era, Caesar ’do in the front and a giant, “Achy Breaky” mullet in the back.
He should have hidden those scissors away because, one day his stripper wife got furious when he fell in love with the trailer-park neighbor girl and used them on him. Seems the wife ordered him to make a baby (for them to adopt) with the trailer-park neighbor girl. But when he fell for the neighbor girl, the stripper attacked him with the scissors through his cheek. His face cheek.
Still crazed, stripper wife stabbed the pregnant girlfriend. Everyone lived to tell the tale — although the neighbor girl and the wife did run off (in different directions), leaving Wade of the extreme hairdo to raise the kids.
“Freak Show,” meanwhile, is a reality show about a real freak show. No sneaking around here.
The owner of the sideshow says his objective is to make the freaks who work for him into superstars — and take the onus off the word itself.
Whether it’s Wolf Boy, a man whose face is covered in fur, Creature, the Bearded Lady or the two-headed bearded dragon, these attractions are a lot more normal than the “normal” folks who take time out of their busy lives to glue a man’s penis to his stomach.
Problem with “Freak Show” is once you meet the performers, and they have the obligatory let’s-get-acquainted party (what is this, “The Real Housewolves of Venice Beach?”), you’re already over the shock.
While “50 Ways” is a one-off, “Freak Show” is a series — but one with no place to go.