It would be nice if it were this easy. Men: Lose Your Gut in Five Days; Get Back in Shape in Two Weeks. Women: Drop Pounds in Days; Let’s Go For the 14-Day Slimdown. These are just some of the promises made on the covers of men’s and women’s fitness mags as we mark the second week of Resolution Row.
Men’s Health sports Matt Damon on the cover, but it has some real depth on the inside, including a piece that could get pinned up in fire halls across the city, especially during the cold stretch coming Tuesday, that people have only three minutes to escape a typical house fire, so, the magazine warns, don’t try to save any prized items. The mag also delivers with helpful relationship advice, of all things, and a workout routine tear-out poster that does not look that intimidating — and, oddly enough — strikes you as one that will get real results.
New York Rangers goalie Henrik Lundqvist, meanwhile, speaks about his style in Men’s Fitness but then gives very little real advice. “In terms of style, I think it’s about being comfortable in what you wear.” Given the less-than-stylish way he’s playing these days, it could be that The King will follow former Ranger teammate Sean Avery into a Manhattan business enterprise. But wait a minute, that didn’t end up so well, either …. Nevertheless, even Lundqvist’s views on style might be more helpful than what seems like the empty promise in the One Rep workout, which not only looks hard to follow, but also claims to get you stronger with as little work as possible. Oh, and get this, the Brain Breakthroughs column tells us, through the lens of a provocative blurry blonde, that porn could shake up your views on gender equality. Quick, tell the feminist movement. The best and most timely column: With the frigid temps coming in the next 24 hours, the Look Great feature might just be worth the cover price as it handicaps the best of the facial moisturizers. At $28, eShave’s White Tea Face Moisturizer had better last the season.
Women looking to shed a few pounds and bring a little more spring in their step could do a lot worse than pick up a copy of Shape magazine. The cover story on supermodel tsunami survivor Petra Nemcova, a supporter of the Happy Hearts Fund, is inspiring, with special note to her call-out for help surrounding the recent deadly typhoon in the Philippines. On the practical side, the supermodel puts her best legs forward in a series of doable exercises, where all you’ll need is a sturdy chair with a waist-high back. For those thinking summer (or winter vacation!), Editor-in-Chief Tara Kraft has the goods, with a colorful and easy to follow guide of the highlights to her new nonfiction book, “The Bikini Body Diet.” Elsewhere, Shape tells us that if you can give it 10 minutes, then in just six moves, with nothing but teensy Toga Tune Up therapy balls, it will “erase tension and cultivate calm.” Maybe so. In this cold, we’re thinking Scotch.
Self, on the other hand, seems more like a fashion magazine for the yoga set — even with Jillian Michaels on the cover. After all, knowing what’s sporty chic to wear won’t help you get in shape. Unless, of course, you’ve got the bitcoin to just slip out and buy a Hervé Léger Neoprene dress because “scuba material sucks everything in, so you don’t have to.”
And if that were not bad enough, there’s a What Pants to Buy pictorial that includes a frumpy sweatshirt-sweatpants combo “with a peek of femme fabric and wedges.” That’s a style? A feature on staying fit while pregnant has some interesting points to make — that is, for those readers who are expecting a New Year baby.
You get the idea that The New Yorker’s Lawrence Wright really has it in for CIA evil-doers. Hey, who doesn’t? But his using of the Edward Snowden case and the dueling federal court judges’ opinions on the constitutionality of the NSA’s meta-data collection to clumsily meander to a nearly decade-old 9/11 Commission report and its dusty — albeit still stinging — revelation of unpunished CIA misdeeds, is lazy and far from honest reporting. Elsewhere, Rebecca Mead’s cover story profile on novelist Jennifer Weiner is sparkling; Ben McGrath’s opus on the Brazilian soccer team less so.
The 2014 user guide from Time is one of those ideas that sounds great in the pitch meeting but never really packs the punch on the newsstand. Managing Editor Nancy Gibbs’ decision to put Seth Meyers on the cover is a gutsy move — but having to ID him with that pesky asterisk kinda tells us she should have gone with someone less hip and more recognizable. To be sure, the issue hits upon all the right things — from Jack Dorsey to Tesla to Olympian Sarah Hendrickson — but this one has doctor’s office retread written all over it.