It’s last call for Hondo. That’s right, as hard as it may be to believe, Mr. Aitch, runaway winner of last season’s College Bettor’s Guide championship and the NFL Playoff race, is in last place in the standings.
However, lest you think his position is permanent, His Aitchness would like to share some famous last words:
Nothing lasts forever, which is comforting because he who laughs last, laughs best. Not only that, but straight from the Bible: The last shall be first and the first last. So forget the last two weeks, because soon he will begin his ascension, at last.
Giants over Panthers: The Giants’ brutal numbers are well chronicled, but if you have Carolina on your mind, you might want to guess again. Eli and Co. will thrive against the Panthers’ brutally banged-up secondary.
BarkingMut of SoBe says he hears closet pooper and ex-Steeler RB Najeh “Plop Along” Davenport wants to try out for the Giants, because he feels their pathetic ground game needs someone who can take his runs to the house.
Bills over Jets: Rex Ryan’s defenses are rumored to be tough on rookie QBs, but so is Bills “D” coordinator Mike Pettine, who attended Rex’s Academy of Defense for four years. Thus, it comes down to overall talent, where CJ “The Killer” Spiller and Super Mario give Buffalo the big edge.
Chargers over Titans: Friday on “Baracking Bad:” You don’t want to miss this episode, if only to see if the totally tone-deaf President repeats his gaffe from Monday at Friday’s memorial service for the Washington Navy Yard victims. Will he or won’t he use the occasion to bash Republicans, as he did while the tragedy was unfolding Monday?
Vikings over Browns: Two games into the season and the ever-rebuilding Browns have thrown in the towel on 2013 by trading Trent Richardson. Give with gusto.
Buccaneers over Patriots: It wouldn’t be all that bad to see Brady throwing more Tommy tantrums and showing up his incompetent receivers again. Pray for Tommy tantrums.
Texans over Ravens: Part of the requirements of Obamacare reportedly will be for the patient to answer questions about his or her sex life. And don’t even think about not telling the truth — the NSA’s bugging program will be able to verify the veracity of your answers.
Cowboys over Rams: The porn business is ready to begin shooting again after a recent HIV scare. Leading the applause were notorious do-it-yourself fanatics such as Fred Willard, Pee Wee Herman, Peter Cook and David Duchovny.
Saints over Cardinals: Beaver waste, which reportedly smells like vanilla, can be used in baked goods and sweets, according to the Swedish National Food Agency. Doctors have advised Michael Douglas not to partake in such delicacies for fear of a recurrence of his oral cancer.
Redskins over Lions: Joe Biden paid a visit to Iowa Sunday for a fundraiser, leading to speculation he was laying the groundwork for another presidential run. The Gaffe Machine wants to prove he can do at least as well in Iowa as he did during his campaign in 2008 when he collected less than 1 percent of the vote.
Packers over Bengals: Biden’s niece, Caroline, was hauled away from her apartment by cops this week after getting into an argument with her roommate over non-payment of the rent. Caroline apparently is a disciple of former New York guv candidate Jimmy “The Rent’s Too Damn High” McMillan.
Dolphins over Falcons: The Daily Ruse wasted two pages Sunday on an excerpt of Mike Lupica’s new children’s book, complete with a glowing quote about it by Archie Manning. It was awful nice of Lupica to return the favor by leading his “Shooting Blanks from the Lip” column with some puffery on Archie and his boys. That’s just solid, quid pro quo journalism.
Colts over 49ers: Matt Harvey has received more public backlash, this time for a botched radio appearance, which comes on the heels of the criticism of his ESPN nude photo shoot and a magazine story in which he talked of his admiration for Jeter’s success and discretion with the ladies. Harvey is said to be so upset there’s only way he can be consoled: By having another public make-out session with his Russian model girlfriend on the streets of Manhattan.
Jaguars over Seahawks: Producers of AMC’s “The Walking Dead” are planning a spinoff for the 2015 season. It will be titled: “The Jacksonville Jaguars.”
Steelers over Bears: Product launch of the week: “One Wipe Charlies,” which is moistened toilet paper. It seems like an environmentally sound product — after all only one square is needed, even for the big jobs allegedly. However, don’t forget about the extra electricity you will need, post-swabbing, to blow-dry your wet butt.
Raiders over Broncos: Toys “R” Us released its Christmas hot toy list and included is “Despicable Me 2.” Think of how excited your child will be when he or she looks under the tree and finds the whole set — fun figurines of Anthony “A-Wad” Weiner, Eliot “John” Spitzer, Angry Alec Baldwin, SuperNanny Bloomberg, Mad Mel Gibson and Keith “Gasbag” Olbermann, aka Uberdork.
BEST BETS: Bills, Vikings.