We open with Betty, struggling to zip into a dress to convey that she’s gained a few, as if we hadn’t already noticed that her face is twice its normal size. Perhaps this is for new viewers who haven’t seen that January Jones is normally about as big around as a Pall Mall. But those were learner times, and the opening with Betty is welcome since she was missing from last week’s premiere, apparently because she was too busy eating Bugles in a pink quilted Snuggie of yesteryear. She refuses to go to the Junior League dinner with Henry because of “woman” problems, i.e., Bugles. Then her mother-in-law gets on her back about how she shouldn’t let herself go, suggesting she pop a few diet pills and get it together. “Why haven’t you taken them?” snaps Betty, reminding me why I missed Betty.
Meanwhile, in an all-too-obvious contrast, Don zips up his go-go dancer, carpet-cleaning-in-lingerie wife Megan’s dress with ease while she chirps in French avec sa mere. They’re off to a dinner with the people from Heinz, who rejected Peggy’s bean ballet idea last week but have a great plan to have the Rolling Stones sing, “Heinz Is on My Side” for a commercial. Don, who should know better, agrees he’ll do his best to convince them of this backstage at their upcoming concert.
Back at the office, Pete and Roger are still butting heads over clients, although Pete asks Roger to handle his new re-acquisition of Mohawk Airlines because they apparently like to drink as much as Roger does. In other news, Don hired a black secretary named Dawn since his previous secretary wound up as Mme Draper and a copywriter to boot. Don and Dawn is too much for Harry to compute.
Don and Roger break the news to Peggy that they need a copywriter with a penis and awards for the Mohawk business. Peggy decides to bring in a guy named Michael Ginsburg who wrote a clever Hammacher Schlemmer ad. Stan warns her that she’s basically hiring her future boss. “Are you suddenly not competitive, girl who races people to the toilet?” Peggy insists she doesn’t feel threatened, not even when Michael shows up in the most visually offensive ensemble ever seen. He only wants to talk to Don and is generally too cool for school. As part of this scam, he insists he’s just a quiet, creative hermit. “I’m one of those people who talks back to the radio.”
Betty goes to the doctor to ask for diet pills, but he’s troubled by something he feels in her neck. She freaks out and calls Don because Henry’s not home, and someone must share in her tragic sorrowful mystery lump. He assures her everything’s going to be ok, which it probably is, because even my dog takes thyroid pills. The day of her biopsy, she goes to lunch accompanied by a conspicuous neck bandage and an old friend with cancer. She asks her friend what its like to have cancer, and her friend says it’s basically like drowning.
This season, the show’s writers have decided to turn Roger into a caricature who speaks only in snarky one-liners. Writers smell like pee, says Roger. Oh, and everyone’s got a Jew, and the firm needs one to make them more modern. Between that, and “It’s always darkest before the Dawn over there,” Roger is on an offensive steamroll. Let’s just call him “Shecky” from here on out. Peggy says she’s not threatened by Michael’s talent, but Don will hate him.
In more “clash of the generations” marriage scenes, Don complains that the radio is too loud, and Megan complains that he looks like a square in a suit. This is what happens when you marry your dad. Dad heads out with Harry to the Stones concert. Underage babes give Harry a joint and then openly mock them for being in advertising. One of them leads Harry away while the other one flirtingly takes Don’s tie. Don tries to sell her an advertising campaign by asking her what she “feels” when she listens to the Stones. It’s weird and vaguely tedious. Then it turns out Harry didn’t meet the Stones, but some wannabes. It was a dumb idea to pitch them in the first place.
Apparently Henry and Betty haven’t been making time for sex, but she’s in the mood now that she’s staring down the reaper in her frilliest purple and lace nightie. Sadly, Betty has a dream that her family’s dressed in black and eating dinner without her. But on another evening, she sits out in front of her spooky castle home and smells baby Gene’s hair while her other kids play with fireworks. She loves being a mother, this one. How could she give all this up for a lump on her neck and some back fat?
Megan wears teeny shorts and a bikini top to wake up wasted Don because its time to go to Fire Island, wheeee! But Don, playing the role of the downer, instead tells Megan that Betty has a tumor, and Megan is immediately pissed she’s just hearing this now. Don won’t go to the beach and implies she doesn’t understand the gravity of the situation because she’s just 26, and Megan’s upset because he doesn’t want to go hang out with her and her friends at the beach all day. Marriage: it isn’t all burlesque and birthday parties.
Don brings in Michael Ginsburg for an interview and tells him he thinks he’s provocative. Michael says he has no problem taking orders from him and otherwise kissing his ass. He looks forward to working with Don and “Margaret” since they’re both so “interesting.” Peggy tells him he’s hired, and Mike says he wishes he could pick her up and twirl her around. They are so doing it this season. Michael tells his dad he got the job, but Pops Ginsburg says he should really spend more time with hookers and less money on food. Also, where’s Joan?
In the crematorium/Francis house, Betty and Henry wait for a phone call from the doctor. Not before Henry, who works for the governor, first takes a call in which says he doesn’t want the guv standing next to Romney at an event because “Romney’s a clown.” Then the doctor’s call comes, and it turns out the lump is benign. Betty looks wistful, thinking of all the sympathy and niceties she’ll miss. “It’s nice to be put through the wringer and find out I’m just fat.” Henry insists he doesn’t see her as fat, but Betty still pouts, because his mom is fat, so of course he can’t see the fat on her. He’s either blinded by fat or a fat-out liar. Oh Betty, I missed you.
The office gathers for Pete’s “big announcement” that he was able to sign Mohawk. Roger is piiiiissssed when Pete announces Roger will handle the day to day but Pete will know everything he knows. Roger’s tired of having to, you know, work. He’d rather just drink all the time and make crass remarks. Meanwhile, Don is a sad sack because “Betty has cancer.” Roger offers to help but winds up just moping and saying, “When’s everything going to get back to normal?”
Don calls Henry to ask about Betty’s test results, but Henry, who didn’t realize Don knew she was sick, conveys that she’s fine in a brusk tone. Megan pops into Don’s office in her yellow-est dress just in time learn that Betty’s fine. Of course she’s fine, says Megan. Betty just needed a little attention. Over at the natural history museum/Chez Francis, Betty and Sally eat ice cream, and in another on-the-nose ironic twist, Sally — who Betty used to fret was going to be fat — refuses to finish hers, while Betty “Are You Gonna Eat All That?” Francis slurps up her sundae and Sally’s leftovers.