The last time we saw Blair Waldorf, she was ready to hop on a heli to who-knows-where to escape the bad press concerning her dirty rendezvous with Chuck before Serena convinced her that she wasnât important enough to qualify as long-term gossip fodder. But now as the episode opens, itâs raining in New York, and Blair is out looking for her cat, Cat. I did not stutter. After saying âewâ to some icky, dirty street debris, Nate appears in a trench coat and calls to her, âJenny.â
Yep, itâs a nightmare alright. Blair wakes up in a cold sweat after having bedded Lady Godiva, thereby living up to her new slutty reputation. Spring Break is over, and it’s time to go back to school.
Over at the Bass-o-Matic blended-family pad, Serena tries to get into the bathroom for her morning primpfest, but her bro-to-be, Chuck is toking it up and doesnât even offer her a hit. He calls her âsisâ and recommends that she get new hand towels.
Meanwhile, the Headband Hags prance down the street discussing Jennyâs upcoming birthday and what they will wear to her as-yet unplanned party.
Serena, Eric and Chuck head into the dining room for breakfast with the fam. Mama Van Der Woodsen is wearing sunglasses, clearly hungover after drinking too much last night. âTo family,â Chuck toasts as he raises his glass of mimosa and hits on his future stepmom. Yes kids, thereâs nothing like a nutritious breakfast before school.
Jenny spazzes out and returns to the pawnshop to get the Valentino back, but there are no backsies when it comes to couture. Jenny has to think fast, so she calls Nate to borrow $8,000. When pressed for a reason, Jenny says to forget it because she has a better plan. Sheâll just steal it. Again. She walks out of the store with it on under her poor Brooklyn girl coat.
Jenny gets more than a Happy Birthday surprise when she arrives home to find Papa Humphs, Blair and the HHags there. The HHags clearly regret having dragged themselves out to, ew, Brooklyn for this non-event. âItâs time for its induction into the Birthday Hall of Lame.â As Jenny desperately tries to get her dress off, she is busted by the HHags and Blair before Papa Humphs can take his pliers to the zipper. Eager to keep the good vibes going, Blair invites the HHags back to Butter for an after-party.
Over on the front steps of the Bass-o-Matic compound, Serena and Dan, the worldâs most boring couple, are making out on the front steps when they are rudely interrupted by Nate. He tells Dan how Jenny had asked him to borrow $8,000, which seems odd to Dan since the Humphs need way more than that if theyâre going to escape from the dregs of Brooklyn.
Jenny admits to Papa Humphs that she stole the dress but blames it on the fact that itâs hard to be poor. Dan arrives home and comforts his sister but before you know it, sheâs out the window and over at Nateâs house, asking him if they can spend some time together on her birthday.
Eric arrives home and hands Serena a package that Chuck had given him. What could it be? Letâs see, she already got porn… some champagne… so it must be… illegal fireworks? A forged prescription for Boniva? Lotto tickets? OMFG, itâs cocaine.
Serena confronts Chuck about this latest present and manages to get past the fact that heâs wearing a sweater with a couple of bass on it to tell him that she doesnât appreciate his involving little Eric in his disgusting deeds. Chuck tells her that heâs been given the boot by Papa Bass so she wonât have to worry about him anymore.
Blair is waiting at Butter for the HHags to arrive, which they do, just as she had planned. Unfortunately for Blair, while sheâs up at the bar with one of the HHags, Jenny and Nate show up and promptly take their seats. The moral of this story is that you should always wait for the help to bring you your cocktails, or else your best friendâs boyfriendâs little sister will show up with your ex-boyfriend who slept with your best friend before you slept with his best friend who is coincidentally about to become your best friendâs stepbrother and totally spoil the party.
Serena gets a note handed to her at the Bass-VDW engagement party that elicits an âOh my Godâ reaction. She next appears at Chuckâs door to apologize because she now knows that he didnât send her all of those disgusting but nevertheless handy gifts. She shows him the note from âGâ who asks if she liked the presents and canât wait to âcatch up.â Chuck decides that this calls for a drink, and they disappear behind his door to solve this mystery. I think the real mystery here is what happened to the Asian HHag? That girl had spunk. She will be missed. She must have been shunned for going sans headband or eating food for lunch or something.
– By NICOLE HOMEWOOD