Everybody and their mother was there at the dramatic tryouts, and we mean this literally.
“Idol” producers, perhaps spooked by last yearâs backlash against mean, promised a 2008 season with more inspiring back stories of these soon-to-be-pop icons.
‘IDOL’ GALLERY: The good, the bad and the ugly
But, try as they may, FOX still provided more than enough delusional contestants for us to let fly with our vocabulary daggers. Itâs what makes early “Idol” so mean-spirited, but yet, so good.
So Simon, keep doing what you need to do to humiliate talentless wannabes and pluck out those we know have a future in music. Itâs a formula thatâs been tested so true, it feels like a soft warm glove covering chilly, New York City winter fingers.
Now letâs talk about the first round of freak shows — er. I mean unconventional auditions:
– Temptress, the 16-year-old girl who plays linebacker on the boysâ football team, wants to audition, not only for herself, but also for her mother who requires a wheelchair and oxygen tank. Temptress made no apologies for her mom slowing down auditions: âItâs hard for my mother to breathe.â
Really?! Maybe she should try to lose a few pounds.
‘IDOL’ GALLERY: The good, the bad and the ugly
But it was her devoted father, with his J.Lo booty and Don King hair that truly made this non-starter a strong four-minute segment. The choice of a Jennifer Hudson song did nothing to lessen the shrieks Temptress emitted until she was out of so out of breath it looked like she would collapse where she stood.
I could almost hear Executive Producer Nigel Lythgoe on âSo You Think You Can Danceâ crying out âMedic! Can we get a medic!â
It was awful. But what was worst was the sentimental five minutes of hugging and crying and handshaking between Paula, Randy, Temptress and her rather large family, and I donât mean in numbers, outside the doors of the audition room as Simon sat at the judges table inside, rolling his eyes. It was “Idol” at its very bestâ¦
– Angela Martin came surrounded by family, supporting her as she tries to support her daughter, stricken with Retts.
As she put it “Itâs not about fame for me, itâs about getting her the best care, the best therapist. The doctors told me sheâll never walk or talk, but Iâm going to get that for her.”
She was like a softer, prettier, more sincere Fantasia. This full time “wedding” singer, “Signed, Sealed and Delivered” a stellar performance.
– Christie from Oregon, who sold her horse to make her way to the auditions, proved to be as strong a singer as she is a cage fighter. It was with “Amazing Grace” that she delivered a sugary sweet performance that wowed the judges and left the viewer with a toothache.
– Who would have ever thought that Delaware could produce someone like Chris Watson? Chris is perhaps the most handsome “Idol” recruit the show has ever seen. This pretty boy looks as much an angel as he sounds. And heâs only 20 years old! Simon told him: “You look like a star⦠you have an interesting recording voice⦠and the chicks will like you.” His response: “Thatâs what Iâm here for.” Be careful Chris, you donât want to lose focus when youâre so close to the prize.
– The producers saved the best for last with Brooke White from California. The girl is so “pure” she doesnât even watch R rated movies. I hope she knows what sheâs in for if sheâs seeking pop icon status. Ask Britney⦠fame is a b$%&.
Honorable Mentions and points of interest ⦠and amazement:
– Whatâs with Randy Jacksonâs new facial hair? Itâs so “Samuel L. Jackson.”
– What Did He Say?: When Mark from Jersey was singing like Burt from Sesame Street, Simon turns to Paula and Randy and mutters something along the lines of “what the f*** are we letting him sing for?” But where the f*** would be, the f*** you can almost read on his lips, there is a strange electronic sound that covers the expletive. Rewind your TiVOâs and listen carefully.
– Idol Thoughts: Ali aka “Yuka” from Egypt by way of Hoboken expressed his interesting philosophy on love: “I want to love a girl from her hair to her nipple.” Who says we canât have good relations with the Middle East?
– Worst Audition: James Lewis, the toothless tour guide from Philly, whose Christian classics werenât contemporary enough for Simon. His rendition of “Go Down Moses” was as strange as it sounds.
– Biggest Potty Mouth: Alexis Cohen, the girl who glittered much brighter then her talent did, talked like Wimpy from Popeye and sounded like Janis Joplin on her very, very worst day. She cursed until she could curse no more, then told the camera, “Iâm going for actressing.” Maybe sheâll have better luck with that.
– Strangest Audition: The 39-year-old Milo, dressed in perfectly pressed khakis and a cheetah vest, sings his self-scribed song “No Sex Allowed.” Simon summed it up well when he called the performance “creepy.”
– Most Outrageous Audition: Ben from Delaware, who upon being asked by Paula, waxed his entire body as smooth as the day he was born so she wouldnât be distracted by his hair poking through his Jabba-the-Hut-imprisoned-Princess-Leia outfit while he performed the first line from the Pussycat Dolls song “Dontcha.” Why did Paula ask him to do it? Because she can. As she knew we would love it. (And we did!)
– Creepiest Audition: Paulaâs “stalker” aka Paul from Pennsylvania who performed an original piece that goes as follows:
“I broke into her house when she wasnât there.
“Took off all my clothes and tried on her underwear.
“Iâm always thinking of her. I really think that I love her.
“Iâm not much of talker. So I guess Iâll just stalk herâ¦
“If she was a doggie Iâd walk her.
“If she were a blackboard Iâd chalk her.
“If I were Colombo Iâd Peter Falk her.
“So I guess Iâll just stalk her.”
Grammy anyone?
Itâs just speculation, but you got to hope Paul understands that piece of paper a lawyer has surely given him, commanding he remain x-number of yards away from Ms. Abdul.
Since these first shows tend to drive the laughs with bad singing, letâs always keep our eye on the ball and remember who did well.
Look out for Junot, the Ruben Studdard in training who has a Ricky Smith smile. We can already tell, heâll be around this competition a while and America will love him.
All in all, 29 people made it from Pennsylvania to Hollywood. Next up, Texas; home to Kelly Clarkson, the original American Idol.
– By MELISSA JANE KRONFELD