Sex & Relationships

Ask Ashley: Brush up on boundaries

My significant other and I have a great sexual relationship, but after spending the night together — and exchanging bodily fluids — she’s still freaked when I want to use her toothbrush! What’s up with that?

— Mike, 38, Boston

OK, see, my toothbrush is sacred, too. That means unless we’ve been dating for a while, and I really, really, really love you, it’s off limits. I have to agree with your girl on this one. I mean, come on. I’d take bodily fluids over morning breath any day. It’s just good hygiene to have your own. So go get your own damn toothbrush! (And don’t forget to floss once a day!)

I picked up my high school daughter’s books and the football team roster fell out. About eight or nine of the names were crossed out, and the only thing I could imagine is that she’s sleeping her way through the roster. Several football players have visited her in the past months. How should I confront her? I would be so embarrassed if she had a logical explanation for this, but it’s eating away at me.

— Pete, 46, Charleston, SC

You have valid concerns, Pete. I would sit her down and just be open and honest with her. Express how you feel, but don’t come at her aggressively. Make her comfortable so she won’t be afraid to open up to you. Say, ‘Look, I’m not sure what this list is, but the only thing I can think of is X, Y and Z. I just hope that you’re not doing that, because you’re smarter than that.’ As a man, you can really explain boys to her. Explain how they all talk to each other and brag about their hookups; how she may be considered “easy” if she’s indeed involved with several of them. Tell her that boys will respect her only if she respects herself.

Also, make sure she knows you’re not opposed to her growing up, and that you know she’s turning into an adult. You just want her to be able to talk to you for advice on making the right choices.

Keep the dialogue open, too. Ask her questions. (Is she seeing someone? Does she like anyone?) This way, you can step in when necessary to redirect and reassure her that she’s special and not everyone deserves her.

If you discover that she is sleeping around, she may be searching for acceptance from men. How involved are you in her life? Father-daughter dinners once a week? Talks? You need to be present in her life — even if she’s at that stage where she just wants to be with her friends — to show her and teach her respect so she’ll learn to respect herself.

I’ve been married to my husband for almost 13 years, and we have two children. For more than half of those years, I’ve cheated on him. He knows about most of them, yet hasn’t left me. I’m pretty sure he’s just staying for the kids. My question is: Should I continue with these flings since it seems he doesn’t really care, or should I start divorce proceedings? I don’t really love him, but I hate the idea of dating, and I really hate the idea of being alone. On the plus side, I’m having my cake and eating it, too.

— Veronica, 36, Alabama

You need to leave. Not for you, but for him. I’m sure this is destroying him inside. He’s probably not leaving you because either he’s seeing someone else or doesn’t want to be alone either, and will sacrifice his happiness just to remain comfortable. I have to say, because he knows about all your affairs and allows them to continue, I can see why you’re going outside the marriage. Any person who loved his spouse would fight and do whatever it took to get her back. So he just backed off and let you do your thing? Sounds like he emotionally gave up on you a long time ago. Have you two seen a therapist? I would suggest you make an appointment so you can both get everything off your chest. Even if you decide to divorce, therapy is important. It will help you come together and raise your children as a unit.