The NBA announced its All-Star starters last night in an election that shocked the Commonwealth.
As my faithful parishioners have known for decades, I have an unwavering precept against losers being invited to leave their pews to participate on the altar during All-Star weekend . . . even though the game means squat and I’d rather rub my eyes with carbon paper than watch it.
That said, because of the circumstances beyond my control — namely “superior squads” in the East undeserving of multiple place settings, together with a bevy of bad teams — we are forced to violate our first commandment.
The teams are composed of a dozen a side . . . four forwards, four guards, two centers and two wild cards regardless of position, health-care stance or religious affiliation. Before making my selections, I want to congratulate the parallel populace for keeping the memories of Tracy McGrady and Allen Iverson alive these last few months.
The former, the NBA’s version of Conan O’Brien, has been blackballed by his own employer while the latter was such a misfit in Memphis, the Grizzlies broke down their season before and after his departure (you know, B.I. and D.I.).
EAST
Guards — Dwyane Wade, Joe Johnson, Rajon Rondo, Derrick Rose.
Forwards — LeBron James, Chris Bosh, Gerald Wallace, Antawn Jamison.
Centers — Dwight Howard, David Lee.
Wild cards — Paul Pierce and Joakim Noah.
Actuality is not having to say we’re sorry for excluding Kevin Garnett, whom “sophisticated” fans voted to start — despite averages of 15 points and 7.8 boards and missing 11 games — and counting — of a possible 40.
By choosing Garnett and Iverson, the mindless greatly diminished Lee’s odds to crash the Feb. 14 party in Dallas and just about sealed Noah’s and Jamison’s doom.
WEST
Guards — Kobe Bryant, Steve Nash, Chris Paul, Brandon Roy.
Forwards — Kevin Durant, Carmelo Anthony, Carlos Boozer (unless he opts out), Dirk Nowitzki, Tim Duncan.
Centers — Amar’e Stoudemire (because there is no one else), Chris Kaman.
Wild cards — Zach Randolph and Monta Ellis, who averages 10.5 field goals and 22.7 shots per game, just like Kobe.
Randolph’s stats (20.8 points and fourth-best 11.5 rebounds) measure up to any and all big men. What’s more, he has been responsible for favorably deciding as many games in the heart of the matter as anyone in the league.
Should the West’s head coaches disregard Pau Gasol’s injury absence from 17 of 41 games and simply consider his 17-point, 11.2-rebound averages, as well as how vital he is to the Lakers’ past and future success, then Randolph’s chances become all but Null & Voit.
That is, unless Boozer is snubbed. I cannot see that happening unless Deron Williams is named as a wild card. Someone from the Jazz merits All-Star status. Maybe Yatta Gaines, who has played three minutes in three games since his trifecta to beat the Cavaliers earned him a second 10-day contract, could get the last shot of every quarter.
As an extra added bonus, because you called before midnight, I’m throwing in my choices (nine per team) for the Rookie-Sophomore Challenge.
Prologue: It’s astounding that four of the top five selections — 8 of the first 12 and 12 of 17 — from last June didn’t make my cut for whatever reasons . . . Blake Griffin’s health, playing overseas (MVP Ricky Rubio, whose Barcelona outfit is on a 25-game win streak against Spanish and Euroleague comp; 35-1, overall, including exhibition), slow learning curve, etc.
Plebes — Tyreke Evans, Brandon Jennings, DeJuan Blair, Omri Casspi, Stephen Curry, Jonny Flynn, Taj Gibson, Ty Lawson, Marcus Thornton.
Sub, if needed, James Harden.
Too bad A.J. Price didn’t get a legit chance — consistent minutes — earlier. So far in January (12 games), he’s averaging 10.2 points (five double figures, including high of 23 vs. the Thunder) and 3.1 assists.
Sophs — Rose, Kevin Love, Russell Westbrook, Marc Gasol, Brook Lopez, Eric Gordon, Jason Thompson, George Hill and O.J. Mayo (a few foolish flings from far away).
Sub, if desperate, Michael Beasley.
Too bad Jerryd Bayless (8.2 points, 2.3 assists) doesn’t get to strut his stuff full time for a team that has more daylight for him than the Blazers. More times than not this season, he has shown the flair to fly past defenders (13 double-figure scoring efforts, topped by 31 vs. the Spurs). Few are as adept at getting to the line where he regularly cashes welfare checks.
***
When I heard “New York at Indianapolis” Sunday, like every other red, white and blue American, I assumed they were finally resuming the 1972 ABA finals. The Pacers were ahead four games to two. One more victory in that series and Rick Barry’s crew would have matched what the current halfway house has in this first half-season.
Paging Bill Melchionni.