Parents who bring a bawling baby into a high-end restaurant are braindead — not only at Grant Achatz’s world-acclaimed Alinea in Chicago, where a wailing 8-month-old made diners miserable last week, but at any place where a meal costs more than a 24-hour supply of Gerber Strained Peas.
But the great Achatz seems stymied over how to deal with the dilemma, musing to his Twitter followers:
“Tbl brings 8mo old. It cries. Diners mad. Tell ppl no kids? Subject diners 2crying? Ppl take infants 2 plays? Concerts? Hate saying no but . . .”
Dude, let me tell you what you surely know: Babies have no place in a dining room where customers come to experience molecular-based meals that start at $210 a head.
It isn’t the kids’ fault for indulging in traditional baby behavior such as screaming and spitting, it’s the fault of parents who regard their offspring as exempt from normal expectations of social decorum.
But “decorum” is mere nostalgia at restaurants today. Many are so loud, a chorus of colicky whiners barely registers against the din of birthday booze fests.
I’m tempted to break out a ball gag at meals ruined by tantrum-throwing tots. I’m still getting over the little monster at now-closed Grayz who jumped up and down like a chimpanzee on the banquette all night.
The topic is a hot potato for many chefs. A rep for Eleven Madison Park — the celebrated New York restaurant that once swapped its menu and kitchen staff with Alinea’s — says chef Daniel Humm is “insanely focused” on a new menu and not available for comment.
Others share strategies they say work for them — although none actually forbids babies. Eric Ripert says guests at four-star Le Bernardin who ask are told, “We don’t recommend that they bring them as we don’t have accommodations for them.”
If diners bring very young children, “We advise them on arrival that if a child does become loud or disruptive, we will quietly ask them to leave the table until the child has calmed down,” Ripert says — “a very rare occurrence.”
Altamarea managing director Rocky Cirino, who oversees highend Italians Marea, Ai Fiori and Ristorante Morini, says “an occasional peep or cry is one thing. When they start yelling bloody murder, it’s something else.”
Cirino says Marea has a “back office which we offer to fathers and mothers to take their children” to chill out. The suggestion is always made “by a suit, not the waiter,” he says. “If there’s a bad guy, it should be a manager.”
Ed Brown, chef at Ed’s Chowder House, says Achatz might have offered the family a car ride home, food to take with them, and an invitation to return another night. “At a restaurant at that level, at the prices it charges, you can’t have a baby wail away in the dining room,” Brown says.
Damn right. Of course, while chefs and owners grapple with half-measures, parents of noisy kids can save us all a lot of trouble. Order in and eat at home, where only you and the delivery guy can hear your children scream.