History’s 10 worst forms of birth control

The next time you scoff at grabbing one of those free NYC condoms at the bar, think of all the way-more-terrible methods people used to employ to prevent pregnancy. History is full of all sorts of horrible-sounding devices, tricks and superstitions women have used to try to avoid getting pregnant before the pill and latex condoms came along. Here are 10 of the weirdest birth control methods from throughout time.

Lemons

This method dates back to the Talmud. Women would soak sponges in lemon juice before inserting them into the vagina. The idea was that citric acid’s spermicidal properties would prevent impregnation.

Famous Lothario Casanova allegedly inserted the rinds of lemons in his lovers as a method of preventing little Casanovas.

Mercury

Your body temperature may be rising, but putting mercury anywhere near your privates is not recommended. But ancient civilizations, enamored with the mystery metal, assigned it healing properties for a variety of ailments.

Women in ancient China were told that drinking hot mercury would prevent pregnancy. Which is kind of true, since drinking mercury can lead to organ failure and death, so those women definitely wouldn’t be carrying a child anytime soon.

Coca-Cola

Not all crazy birth control methods date back to ancient pre-technology societies.

In the 1950s, the idea spread that the carbonic acid in Coca-Cola killed sperm, the sugar exploded sperm cells and the carbonation of the drink forced the liquid into the vagina. So it became an after-sex douche: Women would shake up a bottle, insert it and let the soda fly.

Research studies eventually debunked the method. It gives a new meaning to those “you’re on Coke” ads, however.

Animal intestines

As far back as the 1400s, China and Japan were using lamb intestines, sometimes soaked in milk, as primitive condoms that covered just the head of the penis. Maybe it was because the process of sausage-making looked familiar to horny people of the time.

But in Japan, some condoms were made of tortoise shell or animal horn, which would likely be significantly less pleasant.

Blacksmith water

Those ancient Greeks, always mindful of waste, found a way to reuse the water that blacksmiths used to cool materials. Some thought drinking it would prevent pregnancy.

The idea persisted up through World War I, when women volunteered to work in factories for the free exposure to lead. Of course, exposure to lead can cause lots of other health problems, so pregnancy was the least of their concerns.

Weasel testicles

This one was straight up for believers in magic, who were common during ye olde Dark Ages. Women in Europe wore amulets fashioned from weasel testicles, or bone taken from the right side of a black cat, to ward off pregnancy.

The chapter on this must have been cut from Harry Potter.

Flushing

Lots of women throughout history thought the answer to pregnancy was flushing it all away. Native American women tried steaming sperm out using a special kettle; others have tried seawater, vinegar, lemon juice and other acidic liquids.

As we all know, spermicide isn’t effective at stopping pregnancy once the seed is already inside the vagina, so steaming it never stood a chance.

Crocodile poop

The ancient Egyptians came up with this method, dating back to 1850 B.C. Women would stick a ball of crocodile dung and honey in themselves, hoping the alkaline qualities would prevent pregnancy.

It probably stopped pregnancy, but only because a big ball of reptile droppings is an effective mood killer.

Cotton

This one took some work. As cited in an ancient medical manuscript dating back to 1550 B.C., women were told to grind dates, acacia tree bark and honey together into a paste and apply the mixture to seed wool, which would be inserted vaginally.

The acacia in the cotton fermented into lactic acid, which has spermicidal properties, and the wool served as a physical barrier blocking insemination. These proto-diaphragms were buried with women so they wouldn’t get pregnant in the afterlife either.

Pennyroyal

Ancient Greeks and Romans used this plant from the mint genus for many things — flavoring, cooking and drinking to induce menstruation and abortion. The use of it as a birth-control device appears in 1st-century physician Dioscorides’ volume on herbal medicine.

But drinking too much of this tea can be toxic and lead to organ failure.