The NFL returns in earnest this week, training camps welcoming 32 teams with Super dreams, some of them impossible (Jets, Jaguars, Raiders, Cardinals, Bills), others improbable, more than a few possible, especially in the loaded NFC. And your old Super Bowl Giants friend Bill Parcells enters the Canton Hall of Fame Aug. 3.
Here’s the Serby Summer Guide to the NFL, a 10-course meal to whet your insatiable football appetite before the journey on the Road to Super Bowl XLVIII **** in our backyard **** begins on Sept. 5 (Ravens at Broncos):
I — CRYGATE
Bill Belichick’s biggest challenge since warring against peripheral opponents following Spygate. The sordid Aaron Hernandez affair will have Belichick only too eager to answer Tim Tebow questions during this sweltering summer. The warden will have his Patriots on legal lockdown inside Stalag 17 as he searches for suspects (Jake Ballard? Aaron Dobson?) to help Tom Brady with Hernandez confined to a jail cell and Rob Gronkowski rehabbing from back and forearm surgeries. The NFL record for “Next question” responses will be broken. If Belichick needs circus advice, he might want to consult Tebow.
II — SNOW BOWL XLVIII
The first New York Super Bowl, in New Jersey, is an Eli Manning bomb to Victor Cruz from the Giants’ Timex Performance Center headquarters. A game that was meant to be played in the elements — see the Ice Bowl — dares a nor’easter to show up on the first Sunday of February. Expect this to be a recurring Tom Coughlin theme, even if defensive captain Justin Tuck pooh-poohs the sight of MetLife Stadium as any added motivation.
“If the motivating factor was 100, we could play in Tibet, and the Super Bowl would be 100,” Tuck said. “It can’t go any higher than that. Obviously, it’s 100, but no matter where you play it at, it don’t matter.”
III — SUPERMANNING
Peyton Manning is now a second year removed from his neck fusion surgeries, and more comfortable in Denver. At 37, this appears to be his best last chance to capture a second Super Bowl ring now that Wes Welker joins Demaryius Thomas and Eric Decker as a third amigo. In Eli’s home stadium, no less. John Elway and John Fox are going for it.
IV — YOUNG GUNS II
By all accounts, RGKnee will be all systems go for the start of the regular season, albeit more cautious out of the pocket. Russell Wilson isn’t likely to suffer any sophomore jinx now that Percy Harvin is in Seattle. Andrew Luck won’t have Bruce Arians (Cardinals) by his side, but he’s a natural, and new offensive coordinator Pep Hamilton is highly regarded, and imagine if Ahmad Bradshaw can stay on the field and provide balance. Colin Kaepernick enters his second year as starter without Michael Crabtree (Achilles), but he still has Jim Harbaugh to make sure he stashes his Dolphins cap. Ryan Tannehill should take the next step with new toys Mike Wallace and Dustin Keller, while Brandon Weeden will benefit from offensive coordinator Norv Turner’s expertise in Cleveland.
V — HOT SEATS
Might as well start with Rex Ryan, a veritable lame duck, and Mark Sanchez, who will find his viral butt on the bench at the start of the season only if Geno Smith isn’t ready (What, no heliport at Florham Park? Where’s Brett Favre supposed to land?) New GM John Idzik wields the guillotine now. Jason Garrett is on the clock with Jerry Jones turning offensive play calling duties to Bill Callahan. Michael Vick is locked in a death struggle with Nick Foles. Jim Schwartz is 22-42, with one playoff loss, one postgame handshake fiasco and underwhelming institutional control in his four years in Motown. Ron Rivera and Mike Munchak are 13-19 and 15-17 respectively. It’s also put-up-or-shut-up time for Blaine Gabbert.
VI — REVIS BAY
The $16 Million Man will be highly motivated to return in time to take a Sanchez (or Smith) pick to the house in the Sept. 8 regular-season opener at MetLife Stadium. Revis Island joins what arguably will be the best secondary in the game with safeties Dashon Goldson and Mark Barron. Don’t expect Revis to treat Woody Johnson to dinner when he arrives in town with the Bucs. And the bucks. Or vice versa.
VII — ROOKIE HEAD COACHES
The Chip Kelly Experiment will be fascinating to watch. Can a Loyola Marymount up-tempo offense work in the NFL? The former Oregon gym rat is more like Jimmy Johnson than Steve Spurrier, but only time will tell if he’s a Duck out of water or not. The Bears’ bright Marc Trestman inherits Jay Cutler and Brandon Marshall, now all he has to do is stop Aaron Rodgers, Adrian Peterson and Megatron Johnson twice a year. The Chargers’ Mike McCoy inherits the best quarterback in Philip Rivers, but playing the Broncos and Chiefs twice won’t help. The Cardinals’ Bruce Arians has made Larry Fitzgerald a happy camper by importing Carson Palmer to upgrade the sinkhole that was the quarterback position, but playing the 49ers, Seahawks and dangerous Rams twice is treacherous. The Browns’ Rob Chudzinksi has a stud in RB Trent Richardson, and an emerging defense that could be ready to make its mark under Ray Horton. Jacksonville? The Jags might be loved more in London. If Gus Bradley can’t reach Gabbert, he has no chance. Buffalo? Rookie E.J. Manuel better be the real deal, because how much better than Ryan Kirkpatrick will Kevin Kolb be? Well, at least new defensive coordinator Mike Pettine will get to haunt his old buddy Rex twice a year. Andy Reid, a rookie in Kansas City, will make noise with Alex Smith.
VIII — ROOKIES TO WATCH
Rams WR Tavon Austin is the most exciting newcomer. Chargers ILB Manti Te’o is no fake. Texans WR DeAndre Hopkins could be the complement that Matt Schaub and Andre Johnson have craved for years. RBs Montee Ball (Broncos) and Le’Veon Bell (Steelers) will be godsends. 49ers WR Quinton Patton could help fill the Crabtree void.
IX — BALTILESS
LifeaAfter Ray Lewis and Ed Reed and Anquan Boldin begins for John Harbaugh and the defending champion Ravens. Super Bowl MVP Joe Flacco, armed with his new $120.6 million contract, is the new field general. GM Ozzie Newsome has retooled (DE Elvis Dumervil, DLs Chris Canty and Marcus Spears, safeties Michael Huff and rookie Matt Elam, rookie ILB Arthur Brown). But remember, no team has repeated since the 2003-04 Patriots.
X — NOT-SO-JOLLY ROGER
The concussion issue, at the head of the player safety agenda, will forever be front and center for commissioner Roger Goodell. The controversial rule prohibiting runners from using the crown of their helmet outside the tackle box is certain to create uncertainty and howls of protest. The Aaron Hernandez eyesore, and the rash of offseason DUI-related incidents, will have the sheriff on a ratcheted-up disciplinary vigilence. But no bounty on returning Sean Payton (Saints) or Gregg Williams (Titans)