Theater

The 5 worst theater shows of 2013

A terrible play is worse than a terrible movie. Not only are you watching something bad, but you’re just a few feet away from live actors embarrassing themselves.

Because it’s not all fun and roses at the theater, here are five productions that crashed and burned in 2013.

“Clive”

(Acorn Theatre, off-Broadway)

Poor Ethan Hawke struck out twice this year. At least “Macbeth” is a good yarn — it was just badly executed by Lincoln Center Theatre. But nothing could be salvaged from Jonathan Marc Sherman’s inept update of an old Brecht play, in which Hawke strutted around as a dissolute grunge rocker. Worse: Hawke also directed. A complete disaster for everybody involved.

“Collision”

(Rattlestick Theater, off-Broadway)

The Broadway revival of Lyle Kessler’s 1983 drama “Orphans” with Alec Baldwin received mixed reviews. Kessler’s brand-new play got terrible ones. From its hackneyed script to its incompetent acting, the show should have been titled “Train Wreck.”

“The Giacomo Variations”

(City Center, off-Broadway)

John Malkovich pranced as the great seducer Casanova in this unspeakably tedious European import. The star somehow managed to salvage his dignity in an otherwise trashy, vulgar Mozart jukebox.

“Nikolai and the Others”

(Mitzi E. Newhouse Theatre, off-Broadway)

The most memorable element of this dull production was Michael Cerveris’ eye-catching hairpiece. Set among a high-art Russian crowd that included George Balanchine and Igor Stravinsky, Richard Nelson’s play was a mess of name-dropping and self-importance.

“Venice”

(Public Theater, off-Broadway)

Dystopia’s a hot subject right now, so this musical took it and . . . crashed. It was actually surprising to see this debacle at the Public Theater, which can usually be relied on for a minimum of professionalism.